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"Abracadabra! Alacuzam! See that woman? She’s now a man."

"After the man got some sun, I turned this banana into a gun! Now look! I now have your phone, Apple Watch, and your credit card!"

Mom: I saw John Cena at WWE.

Son: No way, you can’t see him though.

Mom: God!

Son: What?

Mom: You watch too much reality TV (comes to smack butt).

Son: Also because I’m John Cena.

Mom: Where, where’d ya go?

John Cena: Hey, Mom.

Mom: I’m only 31, you’re 42.

People go to places to see Harry Potter live, but you can just go to the abortion place and see something disappear.

You see a kid on the side of the street crying, so you go up to them and say, "Where are your parents?" The kid says, "What are parents?"

A girl walks up to her friend with sunglasses she missed very much.

She told her, "Hey, long time no see."

A blonde girl walks into a gym and sees a guy. The guy takes off his shirt, she says, "Oh, what chest!" "That's 100 lbs of dynamite, baby," he replies. Then he takes off his pants, she says, "Oh, what legs!" He says, "That's 100 lbs of dynamite, baby." After that, he took off his underwear. The blonde girl starts running. He catches her and says, "Why were you running?" She said, "I didn't wanna be in there once I've seen how small the fuse was."

Two men walk into a bar, no clue how they didn't see it.

POV: You are a passenger on September 11th, 2001, and you see the pilots wearing a Muslim turban.

Did you see that car crash today where the guy got the entire left side of his body cut off?

He's all right now.

Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams, "Bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied, "Aunts and uncles." Oh.

Next thing he hears is, “Dicks and pussies!” Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he knows, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling, "Fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, Dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut Johnny, it means cut!!!" Oh.

Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings. Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, Dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

Kid: Dad, where do you work?

Dad: I.C.U.P.

Kid: HAHAHAH!!!! See you pee.

Why can orphans go to Thacker Jewelry?

They love to see the whole family.

All I can see when I pass Saturn is Uranus because it's so big.

There was once a kid named Timmy. His father and mother went to bed one night and didn't hear or see Timmy come with them.

They all get under the covers. Timmy, still unnoticed, looks under the covers and lets out a blood-curdling scream. "MOMMY, WATCH OUT! THERE IS A SNAKE GOING INTO YOUR BIG BLACK HAIRY BUSH!" And he proceeds to say, "DON'T WORRY MOMMY, I'LL GET IT!" And he takes his father's penis in his mouth and chomps down.

Now I want you to think what their breakfast conversation was the next morning.

Little Johnny is a trucker. He stops at a bar. Johnny sees a sign that says, "Hamburgers for two dollars, cheeseburger for three dollars, handjob for ten dollars." He walks up to the bartender and whispers to her, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs for ten dollars?" She replies, "Yes, that's me." Johnny says, "Well, can you wash your hands because I want a cheeseburger?"

John: Hi, boss, it is raining heavily today, so I will not be coming.

Boss: You stated in your job application that swimming was your hobby, so see you at 11 AM.

Stop with the blind jokes... I don't see the point.

Why is NASA so sus?

'Cause they wanted to see Uranus.

Helen Keller: *Gets knocked to the floor*

Helen Keller (in her head): "Wow, I didn't see that coming!"

What if you put a scared homosexual guy and an angry homophobic guy inside a stable?

Hmm, let's see, if the homosexual guy has some good luck, maybe he will meet a super unicorn and help him out to defeat the angry homophobic guy :D