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A guy goes in to get some tests done. The doctor comes out and says, "I got good news and bad news." The guy says, "Ok, let's get the bad news out of the way." The doctor says, "The tests came back positive. You got two weeks to live." The guy says, "Oh My God!! Then what the hell is the good news?" Doctor says "You see that nurse over there, the one with the big tits? I'm screwin' her."

So Jesus has been nailed to the cross.

On the first day, he starts to moan, "Peter, Peter!"

Well, Peter hears Jesus moaning and feels it is important, so begins to go up the hill. On his way, he is met by some Roman soldiers and they proceed to beat his ass back down the hill.

On the second day, Peter hears Jesus moaning again, "Peter, Peter!"

Peter thinks to himself, this is important. He heads up the hill, fights past the first line, but gets a beatdown by the second group and back down the hill he goes.

On the third day, Peter is woken up by Jesus sounding very weak, but calling out, "Peter, Peter!"

Peter feels that whatever it is that Jesus needs him for must be very important. Peter heads up the hill, he is on a mission. He manages to fight his way thru three sets of Roman guards and make his way to the cross Jesus has been nailed to for three days. He looks up to Jesus and says, "Jesus, I have heard your calls, what is so important?"

Jesus- "Peter, I can see your house from here!"

What do Asians and John Cena have in common? You can't see me!

What’s the best part about raping a blind girl? She’ll never see you coming.

What do cannibals think when they see a pregnant woman?

"Kinder Egg surprise."

I have a friend who recently stopped smoking, and the withdrawal was causing hallucination. He went to my house and thought there was a shark in the pond in my backyard. So, I would like to dedicate these lyrics to my friend: "I see a dreamer over there by the water!"

My girl asked me if I had seen a gorilla anywhere. I told her yes, I did see one a minute ago at the Central Park Zoo. He said if you don't behave, he will take you back to the jungle and have your ass abandoned for good.

Rape jokes like cancer jokes or AIDS jokes are just humorous wordplay. If you don't agree, send me your details, and we'll see if you prefer actual rape to a harmless rape joke... YOU SAD SACKS OF HUMORLESS SHIT MUNCHERS!

How come you never see a broke midget?

Because he’s living in the broke man’s boots.

You know what's crazy? Is that the low taper fade, like, meme, is still MASSIVE. Still MASSIVE. Like, I'm still seeing like, new ones, that I've never seen before, and they're getting millions of likes and millions of views.

Did you see the blind guy trip on a can?

He didn't either.

Your hairline goes so far back you can see a full world scale map in your forehead reflection.

The best part about Asian jokes is that the only people that can be offended can't see the jokes.

Guess what's "tiiiimmeeeee ABDE?"

....yes, it is "long time no see."

Why can't blind people have a seafood diet?

They have to see food to eat.

High school students are also more interesting to see, but they are you on your way. Just kidding! 🤣

If a blind person can’t see, then do they sleep?

They’re the night watchers while people who see sleep.

I think I would like a job cleaning mirrors. It's just something I could really see myself doing.

My mom has a toy that I see all the girls and guys seem to play with, and the toy is between my mom's legs.

So, a man walks past a gun store and sees all the guns are half price. Then the man says, "Wow, school supplies are low this week."