What does your mom and a slinky have in common?
They aren't much to look at, but you can't help but crack a smile when you see then tumbling down the stairs.
Kid: but mom I don’t want to see grandma Mom: shut up and keep digging
My future is so bright, I need a flashlight to see where I'm going.
Officer sees a man and he is seeing he is having trouble walking so he asked him "sir are you drunk?" The man responds "No sir i'm not drunk." So the Officer asks "how high are you?" And the man responds "no sir, its high how are you."
Dinosaurs are like my dad. I never got the see either of them and they are now extinct
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands for money.
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."
The robber shot him in the head, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"
Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day. Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"
Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty!" shouts Molly.
"Correct," says the teacher.
The next day the teacher asks, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"
Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack's pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty!" she shouts.
"Correct again," says the teacher.
The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.
This time the teacher asks her, "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"
Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'm going to crack it in half!"
My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him but and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."
Depression is like therapy the more you see it the more you get used to it
The happier they get, the less they see.
Q. What's long, hard, and scary when you first see it?
A. Calculus homework.
Two men walk into a bar you’d think the second one would’ve seen it
What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? One of them you'll see in a while, and the other one you'll see later.
You know what I saw today?
Everything I looked at.
I entered ten puns into a contest to see which one would win.
No pun in ten did
An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas. "I don't understand it, Doc", she said, "I have this terrible, terrible gas". "Thankfully", she added, "they are at least silent when I fart". Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him. The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. "I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fart they are obnoxiously loud!", she yelled. The doctor said, "well, now that we've solved your hearing problem, let's see what we can do about that gas".
What 7 letters do you say when you open he fridge and see it’s empty
o i c u r m t
Why did the old man fall into the well? He couldn't see that well
your forehead to big I can see my future when it shines
One day a teacher stands up in front of her class and asks if anyone in the class is an idiot, and says that if there is one then he/she should stand up. After a minute a boy stands up.
The teacher then asks the boy if he actually thinks he's an idiot.
The boy says, "No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."
