How do you know a woman is blind?
Because she can’t see the kitchen or the laundry.
You know what's crazy? Is that the low taper fade, like, meme, is still MASSIVE. Still MASSIVE. Like, I'm still seeing like, new ones, that I've never seen before, and they're getting millions of likes and millions of views.
I met a lovely girl at a friend's house party, so I went and introduced myself by saying I'm Noah, what's yours?
She turned around angrily and offended and said, "I identify as a hockey puck, didn't you see the sign?"
To which I replied, "Bitch, that says hickey puck. If you identify as a hockey puck, then let me hit you!"
I met a lovely girl at a friend's house party, so I went and introduced myself by saying I'm Noah, what's yours?
She turned around angrily and offended and said, "I identify as a hockey puck, didn't you see the sign?"
To which I replied, "Bitch, that says hickey puck. If you identify as a hockey puck, then let me hit you!"
What do you call a German that can not see?
A Not-see.
How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to light up the room with space lasers so the other can see, and one to screw it in.
What does a Jewish man say when he sees a caricature of his face?
"We need to circumcise that one."
Little Brown Bear (LBB): Why did Santa take the kitty and all of my toys, Mummy?
His mom: Maybe because you're the second most massive shit stain besides Caillou.
*Krampus comes down the chimney to eat LBB*
Krampus: Should’ve been better, Little Bear.
LBB: Help, Mummy! He’s the Scratchy monster!
Shrek: Just kidding, it’s not Krampus, but indeed me and Black Donkey instead, and we’re going to poop on your floor.
Duggie: Hopefully Marvin doesn’t see us, and by the way, want some purplish Kool-Aid?
WORLDWIDE RAP: Takin’ a Battery Park tour in Calgary, a Mali rapport and a factory in Lahore in an Annapolis store, Calgary's core, went to Nairobi’s floor and visited Valerie Moore, then bought some Shanghai decor and got salaries in Seoul’s war, studied the Vatican’s lore, wanted to see Manhattan’s allure and visit the Galilee shore to check Napoli’s score, a tragedy in Warsaw, Palmyra before, check out the cavalry corps, went to a Bali resort, a Madrid encore but had to take a Hackney detour.
What did Cinderella say to Prince Charming? “Want to see if it fits?”
Son: Dad, I have black skin and you have white skin, are you sure you're my parents?
Dad: Oh... well I never thought it would come to this, or to your head that you were kidnapped...
Son: Am I kidnapped?
Dad: Well, you're adopted, and if you want to see your biological parents, they’ll be waiting for you in heaven.
What is the last thing you wanna see during a prostate exam?
The doctor taking off his watch.
Ali from Kazakhstan, he got small forehead, all his friends laugh. They say, 'Ali, your forehead so tiny, you need magnifying glass to see!' But Ali, he not care, he proud of his unique look. When he wear hat, it look like top of mountain, so funny, everyone laugh with him. Ali know small forehead no problem, it make him special, like rare gem!
John FK, he think he special car no top, everyone see like he on parade. me, I stay hidden, secret style, no bullets find me. Much smar smarter, no? Scret lifestyle safety
A fat homeless person begged me for food, so I said, "I can see your dinner. You had plenty!"
At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”
Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.
I told my mom, "Do you want to see a magic trick?" She said yes. I said, "You are going to have a hot dog and cream pie together." My mom said, "No, I'm not," but I told my mom, "I'm going to need your assistance." First, I need you to lick and suck on my hot dog that is attached to me, which she did. The next minute my mom has a cream pie over her face. Then I told my mom, "You see, you are going to have a hot dog and cream pie together." Then my mom said, "When you are right, you are right."
You need a good place to think? You can sit on my lap, and we’ll see the first thing that pops up!
I went to see my doctor today and I asked him how come every time I have sex my eyes hurt.
He said that’s a common reaction to pepper spray.
