Screw jokes

An ugly, arrogant woman walked into a store with her 2 kids, yelling at them.

The store clerk pleasantly said, "Good morning ma'am and welcome. Nice children, are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling and said, "Hell no they are not, one is 9 and the other is 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just bloody stupid?"

The clerk replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid ma'am, I just can't believe someone would screw you twice."

A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street, and they come to a kid playing in a sandbox. The priest says, "Hey, you wanna go screw that kid?"

To which the rabbi replies, "Out of what?"

Friend: I broke up with Sara.

Me: I know, she came over and I screwed her hard.

Friend: How did her pussy feel?

Me: After about 2 inches, it felt brand new.

Friend: What do you— HOLD UP. WHAT TF IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!?!

Obama, Trump, and Clinton are on the Titanic. The ship hits the iceberg and is going down.

Obama: "This is terrible! We've got to do something -- save the women and children!"

Trump: "Screw the women and children!"

Clinton: "Do you think we have time...?"

How many hookers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, cause they'll screw anything.

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

How many Michael Jacksons does it take to screw a light bulb?

Oh wait, Michael Jackson only screws little boys, my bad.

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. They just hold it in the socket and expect the world to revolve around them.

How many gay guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one... But it takes the entire emergency room to take it out.

How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? It takes two, but don't ask me how they get inside.

Q: How many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Wanna go ride a bike?

How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.

You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

How many white guys does it take to screw a lightbulb?

None. They hire me to do it.

How many orphans does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they don't even got a home.

How many feminists does it take to fix a lightbulb?

9: one to screw the lightbulb, one to film it, one to post about it on a women empowerment social media page, one to complain that the man didn’t screw the lightbulb, one to say that women deserve to screw more lightbulbs, one to try to get #womenlightbulbscrewers trending on Twitter, one to bring a man and show him the screwing, one to say that women are better than men at screwing lightbulbs, and one to make a speech about the lightbulb.

You've probably heard this one before, but screw it.

What's the difference between Jesus Christ and the kid I just killed?

Jesus Christ probably died a virgin.

Why is prostitution illegal?

Because when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want anyone outperforming them.

Know what a 6.9 is?

Another good thing screwed up by a period.

How many line cooks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three. One to do it, and two to say that they did it better at the previous restaurant they were at.

How many dead prostitutes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

More than three because the basement is still dark!