Screw jokes
What does a construction worker say to another construction worker?
Screw you!
What's the difference between a screw and a hooker? You can't unscrew the hooker.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?
Neil Armstrong walked on the moon, and Michael Jackson screwed little boys.
I find it best to screw people with memory loss. I mean, what's my grandma gonna do? Describe me to the cops?
If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.
Memes
How did Jesus become self-sovereign?
He screws himself and becomes his own creator.
What's the difference between a drill and a priest?
Nothing, they both like screwing stuff!
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they just sit in the dark and cry.
How many Kardashians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One really small one and one really small black guy.
How many skinheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
10; 1 to do it and 9 to back him up.
What's the difference between a prostitute and a Democrat? A Democrat will keep screwing you when you run out of money.
What do a bungee jump and a hooker have in common?
They’re both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you’re pretty much screwed.
A boy asks his father:
"What is politics?"
Father answers:
"It’s very simple! You see, I bring in the money, so I’m big business. Your mother spends the money, so she’s the government.
Your grandfather sees to it that everything is managed in an orderly way. So he’s the law.
Our maid is the working class.
Everything revolves around your interests, so you’re the people. Your little baby brother represents the future."
The boy has to think it over. That night he hears his little brother crying due to a dirty diaper. He doesn’t know what to do, so he goes to the bedroom of his parents. There his mother is sound asleep. He goes to the bedroom of the maid, but his father is there fucking the maid — and oddly enough his grandfather is watching through the window.
Nobody notices the boy and he returns to his bed.
The next day his father asks him:
"So, can you now explain to me what politics is?"
The boy says:
"Yes, it’s all become clear to me!
Big business screws over the working class while the law watches and the government sleeps. The people are ignored and the future lies in shit."
What do a blonde chick and a turtle both have in common?
When they're on their backs, they're screwed.
How many CIA agents does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
They don't need lightbulbs--they glow in the dark.
Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and George Washington are on a sinking ship.
As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts: “Save the women!”
George W. Bush hysterically hollers: “Screw the women!”
Bill Clinton asks excitedly: “Do we have time?”
Bill Clinton and Joe Biden are on a sinking ship.
Joe Biden says we need to save the women and children. Bill Clinton says, "Screw the women and children." Joe Biden says, "Do we have that much time?"
Today I'm attaching a light to the ceiling, but I'm afraid I'll probably screw it up.
What do you call a nut that screws and then bolts?
An escapee from a mental hospital.
Your hairline is so screwed that Michael Jackson can't even moonwalk to your hairline.