Science jokes
Oh baby, there's about to be 7 planets because I'm gonna destroy Uranus.
Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.
What did Stephen Hawking's wife say to him having sex? "You're wheelie good at this!"
I moved all the Bibles to the fiction section because there is no God, as said Stephen Hawking in 2011, but in 2018, God said there was no Stephen Hawking.
It was not a hijack, it was Stephen Hawking.
Memes
What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A mega-sore-ass.
What do you call Stephen Hawking on fire?
Hot Wheels.
Why does Stephen Hawking only do one-liners?
Because he can’t do stand up.
What is hard about having a relationship with an astronaut?
They are always so distant! :-]
People might not laugh at my jokes, or have a reaction at all, but I'd explode with euphoria.
Periodically, people might laugh every now and then.
For one of the most highly regarded minds on the planet, it is a shame he could not create a longer-lasting battery.
What do you call a mushroom that makes music?
A decomposer.
Sixteen molecules of sodium walk into a bar. Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na BATMAN!!!
How did Stephen Hawking make it up the stairway to heaven?
Well, he didn’t; they invented an elevator.
What happened the night Stephen Hawking came home wasted?
Nothing... wife couldn’t tell.
What does NASA stand for?
Neil Armweak Sorry Armstrong.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One turns to the other and says, "I think I've lost my electron."
The other asks, "Are you sure?"
"Yes," the first says, "I'm positive!"
Q: Why are medication pills white?
A: Because they work.
Me explaining my child: when your mom is sitting on a table during her period, it's called the periodic table.
I’m not a weatherman, but I’m expecting a few more inches tonight.