A man goes to the doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world.
Doctor says: "Treatment is simple. The great clown - Pagliacci - is in town. Go see him. That should pick you up."
Man bursts into tears, says "But doctor... I am Pagliacci."
There were 3 blonde scientists...wait that’s not the joke. The first one said “we are going to pilot the first unmanned spacecraft to land on the sun.”
The second one said “but we can’t do that - if we get within 5 feet of the sun we’ll freeze to death!”
The third blonde says “so we go at night.”
One day the mailman came to drop the mail off, then he asked if I could use the bathroom. I said yeah. The thing is, my mom was coming out of the shower naked, and when she opened the door, it was me and the mailman.
Now, when the mailman sees me, he says to me, "We got something in common, we both saw your mom naked."
A little girl walks into the bathroom and sees her mom naked taking a shower and asks, "Mommy, mommy, when am I gonna get breasts?" Mom says, "Oh, when you're 12 or 13." The little girl looks down and see’s her pubes and asks, "Mommy, mommy, when am I gonna get hair down there?" Mom says, "Oh, about the same time you get breasts."
Then the little girl walks in and sees her dad sitting on the bed with a hard on and asks, "Daddy, daddy, when am I gonna get one of those?" Dad says, "Soon as your mom leaves for work."
You know when people say a joke about living?
That's because we are all living a joke.
My girlfriend left a note on the TV saying, "This isn't working!" I don't know what she's talking about, the TV works perfectly fine.
Q: What did the terrorist say during a plane flight? A: “Wow! This flight is the bomb!”
We all know yo homie bout to hop in a fight when:
1. He staring mighty hard at y'all.
2. When your friend know you gon get your ass beat.
3. When your friend say he not gon jump in (you know he lying).
What did Jesus say when they removed the nails from his hands?
"Feet! Feet!"
What did the bomber say to the jet?
"Sorry bro, I gotta bomb."
*WAIT NO-*
A pancake and an egg walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.”
What did the Titanic say while sinking?
"It's going down."
What did the hot dog say to the condom? "Hot dog condom style."
If you have a girlfriend/crush that's shorter than you, go up to her and say, "You're short, lemme add some inches."
What did one aborted baby say to the other? Nothing. They're both dead.
When you step on the scales, it says "to be confined."
What do you say to a person who got his whole left side cut off? "Are you all right?!"
What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek?... You crack me up.
Little Johnny walks into the living room and asks his parents, "Mom, Dad, what do you get when you crossbreed a bulldog and shih tzu?"
The mother and father shrug and say, "We have no idea, Johnny. What do you get?" and little Johnny replies, "You get a bullshit."
What did the tree say to the kid with the rope?
Nothing, he was hanging.
