Say jokes
Say what you will about pedophiles. At least they drive slowly through school zones.
"What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!"
"What did the mom broom say to the baby broom? Go to sweep!"
You know the stupid trend where people say it’s ok to be overly obese? Healthy even? That you should take pride in it? Which idiots started that movement?
Well. We know one thing for sure. They were obviously members of a wider community.
How do you disappoint people in Africa?
Send a message saying that you’re going to send trucks full of food, water, and clothing.
But don’t follow through and send the trucks empty.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
What did the earthquake say when it was done? Sorry, my fault!
What did one volcano say to the other? I lava you.
What did the tree say when spring finally arrived?
"What a re-leaf."
What did the boy say to his fingers? I'm counting on you.
A priest asks a nun if she has slept with anyone, and the nun says, "Yes, a fucking hot girl!"
Why is it inappropriate when guys say their girlfriends are their “Partners in Crime”?
Like we get it, bro, she’s underage.
"What did one wall say to the other?"
"I'll meet you at the corner!"
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
A man finds out his wife is cheating on him with his best friend, so he hires a hitman to shoot his wife in the head, and his friend in the balls. The hitman charges $100 per bullet. The man agrees.
Later, they set up, and the hitman looks through the scope and says, “I can save you $100!”
God, people are so sensitive these days. You can't even say, "Paint the wall black," you have to say, "Jamal, could you paint the wall?"
When your girlfriend says it is too small, you say, "Just enjoy the small thing."
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.
Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you? But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.
My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
I have some black friends who hate it when I say the N-word around them, so I got a pet monkey.
A Japanese man goes to the dentist. After being there for a while, the dentist asks, "How often do you floss your teeth?"
The Jap said, "After every meal." When they finish up, the dentist turns to him and says, "You need to floss your eyes more. I can still see them."