What did the fork say to the cake?
A: "I want a piece of you!"
Say Jokes
I went shopping, and then to the hospital, and then to bed, and then I promised to only say "and" once in a sentence.
It's funny dating someone smarter than you. My girlfriend knows how to push my buttons but never takes into account what a dick I can be if need be. Let me explain. Say, for example, she calls me retarded, I remind her that she's dating me.
If it's true what they say and I quote, "God never gives you more than you can handle," then you should pray to those who didn't, that God gave them a body strong enough to survive the attempt.
Imagine if on April first the government says, "Hahhaha, you all fell for it. Covid-19 is fake; we actually killed all those people, lol."
Jay and Andrew are best friends who are almost alike. The difference between them both is Jay is poor and well... Andrew, on the other hand, is suck-a-dick poor. Let me explain, Jay wakes up in his room, walks to the kitchen, and asks his mom, Lisa (I call her Lisa now, btw), if there is anything to eat. "No, bitch!" she replies, so Jay drinks a glass of milk and goes back to bed.
Now Andrew... wakes up, jumps out of bed, and he's in the kitchen. He sees his mom fixing some food for work after a long hard night of giving her husband blue balls. "Anything left for me, Mother?" Andrew asks. "Sorry, Honey, I have to eat to put food on the table and to get the running again." *so she goes to work, taking her time* Andrew sits by his bedside and says to himself, "Man... I'd suck a dick for some water right now." *his mom storms back after hearing what he had said* "I'll buy you a soda if you do my first customer for me!"
Two cunts were walking down the street.
One was doing calculus, and the other one says, "Imagine me, a stupid cunt that can talk...."
What did one cow say to the other? You are mootiful!
Father, then the priest says, "Son, Holy Spirit, amen." No, I was asking you a question, Father.
What did John Cena say to Ray Charles?
Hey, man.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye, matey!
Scientists say I'm made up of 75% of water.
But after jumping in the ocean, it's 100%, just like my depression.
What is the difference between a pornstar and a mosquito?
No one stops sucking.
Say yes if you wanna fuck.
Children are so ungrateful nowadays. I got my daughter a bike, but now she’s crying on the floor saying, “I don’t have legs!”
What did the squirrel say to the dog?
"There are nuts in your poop. I found them!"
What does one piece of toilet paper say to the other?
"I'm wiped!"
What did the salad dressing say to the tomato?
"Don't look! I'm dressing!"
What did one tampon say to the other tampon?
Nothing, they were both stuck up bitches!
A drunk walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar and says, "Bartender, I want to buy that douchebag a drink."
The bartender says, "You can't talk like that! This is a respectable establishment, I'm going to throw you out!"
The drunk says, "Okay, I'm sorry. I'd like to buy the lady a drink."
The bartender goes to where the woman is sitting and says, "The, ah, gentleman at the end of the bar would like to buy you a drink, what will it be?"
She says, "Vinegar and water."
What did your mom say last night? "Go harder!"
