Said jokes

A mathematics professor arrived home at 3 am drunk.

His wife was up waiting for him.

"You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled.

He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."

I told my sister to make a noise and hear what she said... "Cuckoo coo chew." #Owl🦉

I asked my dad to come to my Father’s Day breakfast.

The orphanage worker just said, “Don’t be silly!”

Your mum (mom) so fat, she wore a yellow T-shirt, they said "Taxi!"

"The only way I'd want to be reincarnated is if I can be reincarnated as a man," said the young woman.

"Why?" said her friend.

"Oh, I don't know, just men are so cool,"

"Is that the only reason?" said her friend.

"Maybe........" said the young woman. "Maybe."

I walked up to 2 people kissing and stared.

After a little while, they asked me if I minded. I said no, I don’t mind.

Your mama so ugly, when the baby came out of her, the baby didn't cry. The baby said, "What the hell is this shit?" and walked out of the hospital.

The baby water bottle said to the mommy water bottle, "Mommy, I lost my teddy bear." The mommy water bottle said, "Why don't you RECAP on what you said?"

Two Timetravers walk into a bar...

...the bartender then said, "Sorry, we don't serve Timetravers here."

"Knock, knock?"

"Who's there?"

"Cow said."

"Cow said who?"

"Cow says moo you ding dong!"

Your mama so fat, when she stepped on the scale, it said, "One at a time."

I told my Mum, "Will you remember me in 6 minutes, 6 hours, 6 years?"

She said, "Yes."

"Knock knock."

I said, "My mum, who's there? You didn’t remember me!"

My friend told me she had a good joke and it beat all mine. I said, "Haha, that is funny!"

"Talking about childhood habits, my friend told me he still collects coins and post stamps and all. He asked me, I said - breastfeeding."

Yo mama's so stupid, when they said it was chilly outside, she grabbed a bowl.

My history teacher asked my class what time they would go back to just to see what happened.

I said I'd go back to Hitler's childhood to tell him the lies that he becomes the ruler of the world by starting the Nazis, and leave his death out of the discussion.

When God created mankind, he said, "Damn it! One is off color, the other yellowish. The last one is burnt!"

My sister's boyfriend was coming around for Christmas Day. He had the option of two birds to tuck into: Turkey or Goose.

I said, "Are you not satisfied with my sister, who is literally handing herself on a plate to you?!"

My friend said, “there shouldn’t be discrimination, just black and normal.”

That was also the same guy who said [link to joke].

Why did Iran, ran?

Iran said, "I ran away!"