Said jokes

"I’m going through a lot of things right now," I said frustratedly to the person on the line as I crashed straight through the next building in my car.

Your mom went to the ocean, and the whales said, "We are family," even though you are fatter than me.

I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said, "Never mind."

This dwarf was being mean to me, so I said, "When you get home, I hope Snow White kicks the shit out of you."

Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated.

When I told him this, he said, "Are you kidding me?"

I said, "I shit you not."

My friend that was in a wheelchair was getting bullied, so I said, "Stand up for yourself."

Jo mama so fat that when aliens invaded earth, they said, "Wow, two in one!"

I was playing a tennis match against a girl and said, "I will fuck you up." She said, "Try me." So that's exactly what I did, and I won by forfeit as she ended up running away crying.

Why did your parents abandon you?

Because the first thing you dad said to be was; "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WIFE."

A girl said she liked dogs. I called her a bitch.

I asked my girlfriend what she wanted to eat, she said nothing. So I brought her to Africa.

A man asked his girlfriend what she wanted to eat one night, and she said "Chinese food," so he took her to China. The next night, he asked her again. She said, "Indian," so he took her to India. The next night, he asked her again. She said, "Nothin'," so he took her to Africa.

One day I seen a little boy walking in the grocery store, so I asked if he was okay, and he said yes. I asked where his parents were, and he said his mom died years ago and his dad is stuck in the milk aisle.

Little Johnny's neighbor just had a baby. He got invited to dinner with his neighbor. Little Johnny's dad said if he mentioned "ears" he will get a spank.

So Johnny looked in the bassinet. They were talking about the new baby. Johnny's mum said, "What beautiful eyes."

"That is great," said little Johnny, "because he will be stuffed if he needed glasses."

I walked into an orphanage and asked a kid why they were crying.

They said: "Because I lost my parents."

I said: "Let's find them."

They cried harder, so I walked out of the orphanage.

So, I went up to an emo and I said, "Why did you steal my bar code from my chips?"

i raped a dog. When asked how her experience was, she said ruff

One day, a lady and her husband were talking and it was time for dinner. He got up and sat at the dining room table, and the lady brought the plate of food in and she sat it down in front of him. "What's this?" he said. The lady said, "A piece of shit...honey! Want some water to drink?"

What did the pirate say when he saw a ghost? He said, "Oh my God, it's me dead parrot!"

Did you hear the passengers on the Titanic invited Yo Momma and the Titanic crew said, "Man overboard!"