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A woman walks into a doctor's office. She schedules an appointment and sits down in the waiting room. When it's her turn to talk to the doctor, she describes all of her symptoms, and they're unlike anything he's heard before. The doctor runs a few tests and steps out of the room. He comes back later, and says, "Well, I have good news and bad news." The woman says, "I'll hear the good news first please." The doctor replies, "The good news is we're naming a disease after you!"

The teacher asked her student to say the alphabet. The student recited the alphabet: "abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz". "Where's the p?" He looked down to the floor and said: "it's running down my legs".

What do they use in communion when they run out of bread?

Doughnuts, because they're holy.

A man was sitting in the restaurant and ordered a whole buffet. He is visited by an oracle. Apollo says, "If you eat that buffet, everyone you love will die."

"Up yours," the man said, "What are they going to die of, famine?"

Moments later, there was an incident that took place in the restaurant. Everyone literally died. It turned out the restaurant had a B-. I said, "Is that really a thing groaning on the hospital?"

The doctor said, "Know that is your condition, you have hepatitis B-."

"What the FU***** SH**"

Apollo is sitting in Mount Olympus, dying also in laughter.

I am sick and tired of horror movies; it is always the stupid ones that die first. When you see a guy in a dark, bloody coat and a knife, he ain't there to just look at yah run; don't scream, run!

I was on a plane and my mom said, "It's just a little turbulence."

And I said, "Mom, we just got on the runway!"

How to get 1000 followers on Instagram?

Run through Africa with a bottle of water.

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    • I was setting a voice recognition password for my new phone, and a dog nearby barked and ran away. Now I'm still looking for that dog to unlock my phone.

    An alien walks into a bar. There is a guy sitting next to him, and the alien touches his shoulder.

    The man says, "Do that one more time and I'll run you over." The alien does it again and gets ran over. They get back in the bar and he touches him again. The man says, "Do that again and I'll chop your dick off." He touches him again. The man pulls the alien's pants down and pulls out his knife. He was astonished at what he found. There was nothing there! He looks up at the alien and looks at his finger and fainted.

    Why was the man running around his bed?

    Because he needed to catch up on his sleep!

    Don't go to ghostposter.com. The person or persons who run that site are a fucking bunch if dumb fucking cunts who can suck my big cock.

    To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket, "You can hide but you can't run."

    A man walks over to a little boy and asks, "Wanna see my tattoo of a bunny?"

    The little boy replies with, "Yes please, I love bunnies!"

    The man proceeds to pull his pants down and said, "Can you see it yet?"

    The little boy curious says, "No, where is it?"

    The man says, "Dig a little deeper, he runs into the hole when he gets scared!"

    Two tomatoes are walking on a road. Then a car runs over one of them, and the other says: "Hi, ketchup!"