911, what's your emergency?
Me: My grandma just passed out in the living room and I think she's dead.
Well, it's not a living room anymore.
Me: Hangs up.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's joking.
My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange?" I said: "No it doesn't."
Hitler visits a lunatic asylum. The patients give the Hitler salute. As he passes down the line, he comes across a woman who isn't saluting.
"Why are you not saluting like the others?" Hitler barks.
"Mein Führer, I'm the nurse," she responds. "I'm not crazy!"
Doctor: What makes you feel depressed?
Me: I used to work at the World Trade Center, before the plane hit.
Doctor: A lot of people fell to pieces after that.
My brother called me short and ugly, so I called him an ambulance.
I saw my friend hang themselves. My response was, I guess they wanted to hang with someone.
How to respond if someone starts looking at the photos on your phone.
Step 1: Jab your thumbs into their eye sockets.
What's the difference between intelligence and apathy?
I don't know! I don't care!
"You look like you've lost some weight."
"Really? Well, whatever weight I lost, you found it, pal!"
Why is the sea salty?
Because the land never waves back.
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd-shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.
As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"
What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?
Fat, you get fat.
What? Were you expecting a pi joke?
A guy threatened to touch me yesterday...
"Have you taken a bath?"
"No. Why, did one go missing?"
Me: Calls 9-1-1.
Operator: 9/11, what’s your emergency?
Me: *hangs up*
James: I have a joke. Sex!
Ronny: I don't get it.
James: Exactly.
Bully... you're such an asshole. Me... Acting like a dick won't make yours any bigger.
This homeless lady called me ugly, so I told her, "Okay, then I'm going home."
What do you say to an upset Down syndrome person? "What's bringing you down?"
