Response jokes

911, what's your emergency?

Me: My grandma just passed out in the living room and I think she's dead.

Well, it's not a living room anymore.

Me: Hangs up.

What's the best response to a girl saying, 'What's up?'

'If I tell you, will you sit on it?'

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's joking.

Hitler visits a lunatic asylum. The patients give the Hitler salute. As he passes down the line, he comes across a woman who isn't saluting.

"Why are you not saluting like the others?" Hitler barks.

"Mein Führer, I'm the nurse," she responds. "I'm not crazy!"

My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange?" I said: "No it doesn't."

Doctor: What makes you feel depressed?

Me: I used to work at the World Trade Center, before the plane hit.

Doctor: A lot of people fell to pieces after that.

My brother called me short and ugly, so I called him an ambulance.

I saw my friend hang themselves. My response was, I guess they wanted to hang with someone.

How to respond if someone starts looking at the photos on your phone.

Step 1: Jab your thumbs into their eye sockets.

"You look like you've lost some weight."

"Really? Well, whatever weight I lost, you found it, pal!"

What's the difference between intelligence and apathy?

I don't know! I don't care!

Why is the sea salty?

Because the land never waves back.

A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd-shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.

As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"

Me: Calls 9-1-1.

Operator: 9/11, what’s your emergency?

Me: *hangs up*

This homeless lady called me ugly, so I told her, "Okay, then I'm going home."

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat, you get fat.

What? Were you expecting a pi joke?

A guy threatened to touch me yesterday...

"Have you taken a bath?"

"No. Why, did one go missing?"

James: I have a joke. Sex!

Ronny: I don't get it.

James: Exactly.

What do you say to an upset Down syndrome person? "What's bringing you down?"