Response jokes
911, what's your emergency?
Me: My grandma just passed out in the living room and I think she's dead.
Well, it's not a living room anymore.
Me: Hangs up.
My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange?" I said: "No it doesn't."
Hitler visits a lunatic asylum. The patients give the Hitler salute. As he passes down the line, he comes across a woman who isn't saluting.
"Why are you not saluting like the others?" Hitler barks.
"Mein Führer, I'm the nurse," she responds. "I'm not crazy!"
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf....ftysrrtfgbjysou34w45pjr578v
"You look like you've lost some weight."
"Really? Well, whatever weight I lost, you found it, pal!"
What's the best response to a girl saying, 'What's up?'
'If I tell you, will you sit on it?'
Doctor: What makes you feel depressed?
Me: I used to work at the World Trade Center, before the plane hit.
Doctor: A lot of people fell to pieces after that.
My brother called me short and ugly, so I called him an ambulance.
I saw my friend hang themselves. My response was, I guess they wanted to hang with someone.
Why is the sea salty?
Because the land never waves back.
I guess making 9/11 jokes at the airport is better than shouting "He's got a gun!" at the airport.
What's the difference between intelligence and apathy?
I don't know! I don't care!
How to respond if someone starts looking at the photos on your phone.
Step 1: Jab your thumbs into their eye sockets.
This homeless lady called me ugly, so I told her, "Okay, then I'm going home."
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd-shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.
As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"
Me: Calls 9-1-1.
Operator: 9/11, what’s your emergency?
Me: *hangs up*
What do you say to an upset Down syndrome person? "What's bringing you down?"
What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?
Fat, you get fat.
What? Were you expecting a pi joke?
A guy threatened to touch me yesterday...
"Have you taken a bath?"
"No. Why, did one go missing?"