a redhead tells her blonde hair stepsister. i slept with a puerto rican'... then the blonde replies. omg you dirty little slut! how many is a puerto rican?
I rang my boss and said I’m really sick I won’t be coming into work, my boss said Davo your sick again! Really! Just how sick are you now? I replied well I’m in bed with my sister!
A man was taking a child into a dark forest. The child said, "I'm scared..." The man replied, "Well I have to walk home alone."
A man once sued smart water for not making him smart. Then a woman replied “okay cool now I’m going to go sue thin mints for not making me thin.”
Someone asked me what the worst mistake you could make while bieng at work was and i replied " being a doctor and mixing up the oral and rectal thermometers"
The IRS came to this mans house one day and told him to come in the next morning to talk about all the money thats been coming in and out of his bank account. So the man though maybe I need to get a lawyer. So he and his lawyer get to the IRS's office and sit down and the agent said there has been a large amount of money flowing in and out of your account and we wanted to know if you knew anything about it. The man says yes I do, I'm a gambler. The agent says you gamble with that much money. He man says yes, I'll give you an example. Alright I bet you 5,000$ that I can bite my left eye. Agent says alright deal. The man takes out his fake eye and bites it. Then the agents says that not fair. The man says I'll let you get your money back or even more, I bet you 7,500$ I can bite my right eye. He agents thinking I didn't see him come in with a guide dog or a stick so the agent says deal. The man takes out his false teeth and bites his right eye. The agent then says that's not fair. The man replies alright I have another one, your down 12,500$ I'll bet you 15,000$ if you put that waste basket on the other side of the room I can stand by your desk and piss across the room into the waste basket and not get a drop anywhere. The agent says that's impossible you've got a deal. The man starts peeing and pees all over his desk and the agent says I got you, he's laughing and happy that he final beat him, but then the lawyer has his hand on his face and the agent asked what's wrong with you and the lawyer replies the man bet me 100,000$ he could piss on your desk and you'd just love it.
The first priest asks the second, "How long do we keep the babies in the holy water?", the priest replies, "No clue... I close my eyes when I masturbate"
So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is." She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But beforeclass ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the studentsclear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear. "Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear. His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a coma. After 6 months she woke. She asked the doctor "hows the baby?" "You had twins" the doctor replied. "Your brother named them" the woman said *oh no not my brother what did he call them?" "He called the girl Denise" "what about the boy" the woman asked the doctor said "denephew"
-a beautiful woman is on the ledge of a bridge about to commit suicide-
a homeless man walks by her and says "what are you doing?"
she says "im going to jump"
the homeless man says "if youre going to kill yourself, do you wanna have sex with me first?"
the woman replies "no way creep! never that!"
the homeless man doesn't seem bothered and says
"thats fine, I'll just wait til you're at the bottom"
Little johnny is a trucker, he stops at a bar. johnny sees a sign that says hamburgers for two dollers, cheeseburger for three dollars, handjob for ten dollars. he walks up to the bartender and whispers to her, "are you the one that gives the handjobs for ten dollars?" she replies "yes, thats me" johnny says "well can you wash your hands because i want a cheeseburger"
I saw a kid wearing tatty rags on a curb so I asked "are you an orphan?" "Yes" he replied "what gave me away?" He asked "your parents" I said.
I wrote puns on a piece of paper like this:
P. P. P. P U. U. U. U N. N. N. N S. S. S. S
Then I showed them to my teacher, asking him what they had in common “They are all very tearable” he replied Well, there is one person who gets it!
My mom asked my doctor, "Why is my unvaccinated baby crying?" The doctor replied, "He's going through a Mid-life Crisis
A man asked another man if he was happy with his marriage, he replied," Yes I'm very happy. We go on date night every week. The other man asked when? She goes on wednesday and I go on thursday
The cancer patient asked the doctor how many more months he had to live - the doctor replied tu-more
"I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth,"the woman told her dentist. He replied, "Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."
Guy is at athletic meet. asks guy if he is a pole vaulter. He replies, No I am German and how did you know my name was Walter.
Yesterday I asked my friend “ What is a fish without eyes” They replied “I don’t know” I said “ fsh “
A monk asks the priest if it's okay to kiss a nun. The priest replies "just as don't get in the habit"
