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A little girl asks her mum, "Mummy how was I born?"

Her mother smiled and replied: "Once upon a time, your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day."

"The seed slowly grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful, healthy plant. So me and Daddy took the plant, dried it, smoked it and got so high that we fucked without a condom!"

So, a guy walks into a bar, and he tells the bartender, "After this last drink, I'm going to the roof to kill myself." A guy sitting next to him says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." in which the man replies, "Oh yeah?" So, they both take their shots and go up to the roof. The guy says, "You're not gonna die, watch this!" He jumps off the roof and comes back up. The man rubs his eyes and tells him to go it again. He comes down and comes back up. The man says, "Cool, let me try!" and he jumps down only to kill himself. The guy goes back to the bar, and the bartender says, "Superman, you're an asshole."

So, a bear and a rabbit are in a field. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Does your poop stick to your fur?" The rabbit replied, "No." Then the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his butt.

A couple were trying new things in the bedroom to spice up their marriage. The husband would blindfold the wife, put on a condom and she would guess the flavor. They did this one time a night.

The first night, she put the blindfold on and he put the condom on his dick and she tasted it, she immediately knew it was strawberry. The second night, the same thing happened except it was banana. The third night, she put the blindfold on and tasted his dick and said, "Eww it tastes like cheese and onions." The husband replied, "Hang on I haven't put the condom on yet."

So, I text my girlfriend and told her I wanted to get inside her. Can you believe she replied: "Not again brother, I'm only 8."

Little Johnny was late to school one day, and Miss Brown asks, "Johnny, how come you're late to class?" And Johnny says, "Miss, you wouldn't believe it. The farmer's bull got out and started fucking the white cow." Miss Brown said, "Johnny, don't use that word. Next time you want to say that, use the word 'surprised'."

The next day Johnny was late again, and Miss Brown said, "Johnny, why are you late?" And Johnny replied, "Miss, you wouldn't believe it. The farmer's bull got out and 'surprised' the white cow." Miss Brown said, "That's much better, Johnny." And Johnny said, "Yeah, walked straight passed it and started fucking the black one."

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mom says "No."

He asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

This guy looked down the aisle and asked, "Hey, are those kids all yours?" And I replied: "No, I work for a condom company, and these kids are just all of my complaints."

A person asks a taxidermist what they do for a living. The taxidermist replies, "Oh, you know, stuff."

A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor!"

Hi, everyone. Serious question. Would it be illegal to decapitate a worm? Asking for a friend, he's so worried we're going to jail. I'm not. I'm fine. Please reply fast.

A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says, "God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad." The father says, "Good bye Grandad? Why is that?" The daughter says, "Just because I felt like it." The next day, Grandad drops dead.

The father can't believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughter's prayers again. She says, "God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, "Just because I felt like it." The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesn't know what to do, so he tries to forget about it. That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, "God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy." The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesn't go home and stays there until midnight. He's very surprised. 'I've cheated death!' he thinks to himself, then rushes home. His wife asks, "Where have you been?!" and the husband says, "Oh don't ask me any questions, today's been miserable." The wife replies, "Your days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porch..."

A man in conversation with his friend says that his wife is on a 3-week diet. The friend curiously asks, how much has she lost? The man replies, "her life."

A project manager, a mechanical engineer, and a computer scientist are on a road trip through the mountains. As they're going down a pass, the brakes suddenly fail. The car goes off the road and crashes down into the valley. A bit dazed, the three of them get out.

The project manager says, "Well, the best thing to do is to have a meeting and assess the situation."

The mechanical engineer replies, "Nonsense, I have my pocketknife, I'll fix the brakes with that."

Then the computer scientist comes along and says, "Why make it so complicated? Let's push the car back up the road, get in, and see if it happens again."

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his gaze is blank. The other hunter grabs his phone and calls emergency services: "My friend is dead! What do I do?"

The emergency dispatcher replies: "Calm down. I can help you. First, make sure he's really dead."

Silence on the other end, then a gunshot. Back on the phone, the hunter asks: "Okay, now what?"

My young son saw Trump on TV. He asked, "Why is the man on TV painted orange?" I replied, "Son, when Russia pays that much for equipment, they don't want it to rust."

A blonde walks in and says, "I want to buy that TV."

The seller says, "I don't sell to blondes."

The blonde comes back the next day with brown hair and says, "I want to buy that TV."

The seller says, "I don't sell to blondes."

The blonde comes back the next day with brown hair and says, "I want to buy that TV."

The seller says, "I don't sell to blondes."

The blonde asks, "That's it, how'd you know I was a blonde?"

The seller replies, "Because that's a microwave."

A plane is going to crash. There are four passengers and only three parachutes. All the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first. He says, "My fans need me," and jumps. Donald Trump takes another and says, "I am the smartest president," and jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says, "Child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute." The boy replies, "Don't worry - Donald took my backpack."

A 28 year old woman, Olga, in Meshchovsk, Russia took justice into her own hands when a 32 year old male robber, Viktor, decided to rob her salon. She tied him, feeding him only Viagra, having sex with him over and over. After a few days, she released him after he stated he learned his lesson and wouldn't go to the police. He lied and went to the police anyways. Both were arrested.

After his sentence was over, Viktor sat down to speak to the local news. The reporter asked Viktor, "How was this whole ordeal?" Viktor replied, "I've had better."

A programmer pushes a stroller through the park. An elderly couple comes along: "Is it a boy or a girl?" The programmer replies, "Yes."