Religion jokes

"And the Lord said unto John, 'Come forth and receive eternal life,' but John came fifth and got a toaster."

Why can't you make jokes about catholic priests?

Because they blow up in your face.

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture? You need only one nail to hang a picture, unfortunately.

What did one God say to the other?

"I will die to be a man."

If I teach man he is the fish I caught, will I no longer be a fisher of men?

Has anyone alive ever died?

Is this our eternal life?

Jesus saved me from eternal fate, but I didn't want to get saved. I was about to fight Satan on Final Destination before facing and kicking God's ass.

Remember, the confession booth is not a glory hole.

I pray to a dead human I hope to be reunited with.

Jesus, that's sick.

God = what I hope to be.

Devil = what I can't accept.

I hope to be like Jesus, a dead martyr. I can't accept that my religion is evil.

Girl, you must be a Muslim because you are only 5 years old, yet you know how to give great head.

You should know it's important to wash your sex toys. That's why priests invented baptism.

Your mom is so fat that when God said, "Let there be light," he asked your mom to move out of the way.

What do McDonald's and priests have in common?

They both shove their meat into 10-year-old buns.

What is Jesus’s Favorite Exercise?

CrossFit.

My dad died in the attacks. He was the best pilot Pakistan has ever seen, Allahu Akbar!

A priest walks into a bar, immediately orders the kids' menu.

Why can't Heaven and Hell ever be one 2nd paradise?

Heaven always has 5-star reviews.

Devil: Hey angel.

Angel: Hi devil, why are you nice?

Devil: What do angels add to their food to make it a little more spicy?

Angel: What?

Devil: Angelpinos!

You call him the holy cross. I call it the rejected Smash character.