Religion jokes

Q: What do Moses and hookers have in common?

A: They've dealt with a burning bush.

Has anyone alive ever died?

Is this our eternal life?

I pray to a dead human I hope to be reunited with.

Jesus, that's sick.

God = what I hope to be.

Devil = what I can't accept.

I hope to be like Jesus, a dead martyr. I can't accept that my religion is evil.

You should know it's important to wash your sex toys. That's why priests invented baptism.

Remember, the confession booth is not a glory hole.

Girl, you must be a Muslim because you are only 5 years old, yet you know how to give great head.

What did one God say to the other?

"I will die to be a man."

If I teach man he is the fish I caught, will I no longer be a fisher of men?

Jesus saved me from eternal fate, but I didn't want to get saved. I was about to fight Satan on Final Destination before facing and kicking God's ass.

Here’s my hand, please hold it. That way I can say I was touched by an angel.

Why does Saturn have a ring?

Because God liked it, so he put a ring on it.

Why don't churches have WiFi?

They can't compete with an invisible force that actually works.

What is an angel's favorite kind of tortilla chip dip?

GuacaHOLY!

Which company likes Jesus the most?

IHS Markit!

Did you hear about that Muslim party?

It was a blast!

What does a Jewish man say when he sees a caricature of his face?

"We need to circumcise that one."

Islamic pubs and bars are the worst.

You can't drink alcohol or dance.

Women can get stoned though, no questions asked.

House parties are like churches: there's always an underage kid getting fucked somewhere.

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture? You need only one nail to hang a picture, unfortunately.