Religion jokes
What happens when an angel and nun "have some fun and forget pills"?
The nun gets pregNUNt.
Why are Muslims not fond of American cops?
Because Muslims don't like pigs!
I wanted to open a brothel in the monastery, but the slogan: "Fist some Christs" was, unfortunately, not so well received.
One night when I was six, I had this super annoying accent, and when I said the number "six," Oh no... One night my Catholic priest asked me how many cookies I needed for my family. I told him six, but thanks to my accent being mixed with many others including Scottish, French, and Russian, it sounded like I said "I need to have sex." He looked at me strange then pulled me into a closet, being a pedo.
When Momma asked me why I was missing for 6 hours, I told her, "I went to get the cookies like you told me to, and father raped the Christianity out of me." The angry look she gave my father was amazing. Then with my Papa, she beat the hell outta him.
Serves him right.
Boy goes to Confession.
Boy: "What are you doing, father?"
Priest: "It's called masturbation and soon you will be doing it."
Boy: "Why do you say that, father?"
Priest: "'Cause my hand is getting tired."
What is the difference between a priest and anesthesia?
The anesthesia takes time to put you under.
What's the difference between acne and the Pope?
Acne waits till you're 13 to cum on your face.
Q: What's black and white and red all over?
A: A nun falling down the stairs.
What is the difference between a nun and a hooker?
One to trust and the other to thrust.
A man goes into heaven and there he meets Jesus. He asks Jesus what that broken clock is there for. Jesus says, "That is Mother Teresa's clock, it has never moved because she has never lied." "There is Abraham Lincoln's clock. He has lied twice so it has moved twice." "Where is Donald Trump's?" asks the man. Jesus answers, "It is in my office, I am using it as a ceiling fan."
So, Satan is in the delivery room having a child.
Soon, a feathered creature comes out. "Doctor," says Satan, "What is it?"
The doctor sighs. "Well, it's not a boy, and it's not a girl."
Satan looks frustrated. "THEN WHAT IS IT?!?!?"
The doctor looks up. "It's a goose."
The worst part about church is that you're constantly switching between sitting, standing, and kneeling. I mean, why can't the priest just pick a position and f**k me already!
Do you know what a reverse exorcism is?
It's when the demon tells the priest to exit the child's body.
Why do Black people go to church so much?
Because the priest is the only father they know.
Did Jesus cut his nails?
No! His nails cut through him.
Why are Republicans supporting giving felons the right to vote?
Because their own personal jeebus is a felon!
Q: What's the difference between me and a priest? A: A priest isn't turned on by dead children.
The pastor jumped at the chance to meet Ariana the other day.
He also grabbed, fondled, and fingered. Some might say he was milking the situation.
Two priests are pulled over by the police. One priest asks the cop what the reason for pulling them over is. The cop says, "We are looking for two child molesters." The priest look at each other and tell the cop they'll do it.
What's black and white and hard as nails? A nun on speed!