Religion jokes
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
House parties are like churches: there's always an underage kid getting fucked somewhere.
So I saw a bag full of children near a dumpster. I guess we know where the orphans are when the parents didn’t want them.
Wouldn’t want to hope a Catholic priest comes along, otherwise the priest will have new sex toys.
Why can't you make jokes about catholic priests?
Because they blow up in your face.
What did the black kid say when he went to the confession booth?
"Daddy?"
Did Mary Have a Little Lamb?
My dad died in 9/11. He was a Muslim pilot.
What's the difference between a drill and a priest?
Nothing, they both like screwing stuff!
If Jesus told you to trust everyone, that must be why there are a lot of kidnappings.
I used to think that Jewish people were a myth.
But one day I realized, they Israel.
When I went to heaven, I saw Steven Hawking standing there. I asked why he isn’t in heaven yet. He said there are stairs.
What did Allah say when he created the universe?
-Allahu akbar!!!
I went up to a priest and asked if he participated in NNN. He replied, "How can I, with all these people calling me daddy?"
What's the difference between a priest and McDonald's? They both stick their meat in 10-year-old buns.
[God creating sharks]
God: Ok give them 3 rows of teeth.
Angel: Seems excessive but ok.
God: And make them mean as hell.
Angel: WTF y.
God: BECAUSSE I SAID SO.
Angel:...
God: And make one of the types have a hammer for a head.
Angel: Why do I still work for you?
God: Because I’m the only employer as of right now.
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He sees a bunch of clocks and asks Jesus what they are for. He replied they are gauges, and that they move when people lie. He said that Mother Teresa's has moved twice, Abraham Lincoln's once, and George Washington's never.
The man asks to see the current president's, and Jesus just laughs and says that Joe Biden's is the one keeping the hurricanes to speed.
A priest is struck by lightning and lays hurt on the ground.
When medical crew arrives he denies them, saying, "God will surely save me!"
The medical team tries to help him, but he keeps struggling and eventually dies.
Later in the afterlife, he screams at God, saying, "Why didn't you save me? Am I not dear to you?"
God answered, "B****, I sent you a f***ing ambulance and you denied it!"
This pastor decided to skip church one Sunday morning and go play golf.
He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.
He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried it an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.
An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"
Do you know where priests go at night?
To all night sale at Boys R Us.
Why did you always see Michael Jackson wearing two white gloves?
Because masturbation is against Michael Jackson's religious beliefs.
What was Jesus' reaction when the first black person was born?
"Holy shit, I burnt one."