Religion jokes
Jesus and his friend went fishing. They both cast their lines out, and both of them get a bite, but Jesus's friend misses and says, "Damn, I missed." Jesus said, "That's a bad sentence to say; if you say it 3 times, something bad will happen to you." They cast it out again, and both get a bite, and Jesus's friend misses again and says, "Damn, I missed." Jesus replied, "If you say that one more time, something bad will happen." They cast out again, and Jesus's friend's line snaps, and he says, "Damn, I missed." Jesus said, "That's the last time something bad will happen." The biggest thunderstorm ever seen appeared, and a lightning bolt struck Jesus, and a voice came from the clouds, "Damn, I missed."
Who do you want on your basketball team in heaven?
Peter. He can deny Jesus three times.
Question: Why did Donald Trump convert to Judaism?
Answer: Because he heard that Vladimir Putin likes to drink vodka with "Orange Jews"!
Why do nuns walk in groups?
So one “nun” can keep an eye on the other “nun” just to make sure that she isn’t getting "nun".
And the Lord said onto John, "Come forth to receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
[god creating alligators]
God: See that log?
Angel: Yes...?
God: Now fill it with teeth.
Angel: Say again?
God: FILL IT WITH TEETH!
What goes black, white, black, white, down a hill?
A fat nun.
What do Jesus and I have in common? Our dads left us...
Why did a minister who is a Christian nationalist and a bisexual man give anonymous blowjobs to physically handicapped gay men under the handicapped stalls inside the men's restrooms at a rest area?
He wanted to eat footlong hotdogs for lunch at the rest area, but he wanted a sample first (taster).
Bin Laden promised 76 virgins to Al-Qaeda.
Instead, there was one 76-year-old virgin.
Crucifixion was the first T-pose.
If an Indian kid is conceived in incest, would that make them OMbred?
Your momma is so old she has been a waitress at the last supper.
Why did the orphan go to church?
To hear some "foster" parenting advice.
Two priests walk into a store, and cops come up to them and say they’re looking for a child molester, and the priests both say, "I’ll do it!"
What's the difference between a priest and a pimple?
A pimple will wait until you're 12 years old to come on your face.
A policeman walks up to a van with two priests and says, "We're looking for two child molesters."
The priests both look at each other for a moment and then say, "Okay, we'll do it."
Why would a protestant refuse to become a catholic?
Because a protestant is not a homosexual sodomite.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says, "I think I'm a type-O."
I went to the tattoo shop and asked for a skull.
A Jewish guy behind me said, "A skull? Back in my day, we could only get numbers!"