Religion jokes

Did you hear about the streaker in church? He was caught by the organ.

Jesus shows up and says you’ve got to go to church.

You follow him in, and under their breath, it sounds like somebody says, "You steal." You say in your mind, knowing you have before, "I’m sorry." Then somebody coughs, and under their breath, it sounds like they say again, "You steal," so you whisper quietly, "I’m sorry."

...then somebody in German says, "Schieß den Hurensohn!"

A guy was dying after getting stabbed in a church. He said to the priest, "Please say a prayer for me," and the priest said, "I ain’t got nun left." Then he died.

What do you call an orphan who grows up and becomes a priest?

Father Les.

Yo mama so fat that when God said, "Let there be light," he asked her to move out the way.

Miss Kadie, I heard that the Westboro Baptist Church is having a party for kicking out 99999 gay people.

Pastor: Welcome to the gay matters church.

Miss Kadie: Stop that, you know that God hates gay people.

Me: Stop that, vegan teacher.

Pastor: You deserve to die.

- I attack

"A priest, an imam, and a rabbit walk into a clinic to donate blood. The rabbit turns to the nurse and says, 'I think I'm a Type-O!'"

Q: Why can’t Jesus make fun of gay people?

A: He got nailed first.

I think that church is boring.

How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to light up the room with space lasers so the other can see, and one to screw it in.

What is God’s favorite candy?

Jesus Pieces.

Where do terrorists go for a drink?

At the Allahu-ak Bar.

Why is Stephen Hawking going to hell?

Because it’s a stairway to heaven, not a ramp.

The pastor sees little Johnny sitting on the church steps. Little Johnny is fixated on something. The pastor looks closer and sees that Johnny is stirring up something in an old coffee can. He says, "What you got there little Johnny?"

"This here is turpentine, the most POWERFUL liquid in the world!", says Johnny.

The pastor shakes his head, sits down next to Johnny, and says, "Now you know that's not true, son. Holy water is the most powerful liquid in the world. One drop of holy water on a pregnant woman's stomach and the next morning she'll pass a baby boy."

Little Johnny says, "Well that may be true, but one drop of this on a cat's ass and he'll pass a motorcycle!"

What does a paedophile say when he gets to heaven?

A: Where's the holy baby?

What's black and white and can't turn around in a corridor?

A nun with a javelin through her neck.

Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage.

Lettuce pray.

If an Indian kid is conceived in incest, would that make them OMbred?

A missionary went to visit an orphanage in Thailand. After looking around, he asked the manager, "Why do these kids have numbers instead of names on their shirts? And why are some of them the same?"

The manager smiled and said, "Those are price tags."

If God didn’t mean for us to have sex with 11-year-old girls, why did he make them so sexy and so much physically weaker?