Religion jokes
I still remember my dad's last words: "Don't worry son, Allah will be pleased."
Why didn’t Steven Hawking go to heaven? Because it was a stairway, not a rampway.
Father: "The church is on fire! GET OUT! GET OUT!"
Priest: "Ok, what about the children?"
Father: "FUCK THE CHILDREN!"
Priest: "Do you think we'll have time?"
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a pedophile?
One is Catholic and the other is a priest.
Why did the bodybuilder go to the crustacean church?
Because it was a good source of mussel mass!
God: “Steven, join us.”
Sees the staircase to Heaven.
Steven: “Ahh, fu-”
At night in the Nunnery, one Nun says to the other Nun, "Where's the candle?" The other Nun says, "Doesn't it!"
What's a similarity between The Ark of the Covenant, The Holy Grail and a bunch of 12 year olds?
They are all locked in the Priest's basement.
A person had a child named Bl, another named Es, and one named S. The next was named You. They were a very unholy family.
Their children were shamed upon because their names spell out "Bless you."
What’s the difference between a zit and a priest? The zit waits 'til you're 12 to cum on your face.
What job do you want if you don't want people's twos since?
A Catholic priest.
Two nuns were sitting on a bench. A flasher flashed them, and one of the nuns had a stroke... but the other one was too far away :)
In 2011, Stephen Hawking said God didn’t exist.
In 2018, God said Stephen Hawking didn’t exist. xx 😂😂
Why don't skeletons play music at the church?
Because they don't have any organs.
When someone says, "Jesus," I say, "Bitch, where?"
This guy is boiling water. The girl walks in and says, “What are you doing?” The guy says, “I’m making Holy Water.” She said, “How?” He said, “I’m boiling the hell out of it.”
Why do orphans go to church so much?
So they can have someone to call father.
A priest and a pedophile walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey Jim!"
The undertaker's famous saying is "Rest In Peace" to all of his opponents, but really they don't rest in peace. The only peace they get is from God.
Why did the sun go to church?
Because it needs Jesus.