Religion jokes
God creating bees.
God: "Put a needle on their butt."
Angel: "Come on, God, wha-"
God: "Make its puke delicious."
Angel: "WTF"
God creating spiders.
God: "Make it have 8 legs." Angel: "Ok? Bit excessive but ok." God: "And 8 eyes." Angel: "You need to calm down and li-" God: "Give it a butt rope!"
Why did Aaron slit his wrists?
Because it's him.
What does Adam look like?
The fat ginger baby of Boss Baby.
What do you get when you combine a priest and lawyer? A Father-in-law.
A priest and a rabbi run out of a burning church, and the priest says, "What about the children?" The rabbi says, "Fuck the children." And the priest says, "Do you think we'll have time?"
Where was Moses when the lights went out? - In the dark!
What kind of containers does the Pope keep his vegetables in?
Vat-I-cans!
Why were Adam and Eve's sons so much alike? Because Cain was Abel minded!
What does a priest hold on to when having sex?
He holds on to the schoolbag.
Why do priests appreciate educated children?
They don't spit.
When Stephen Hawking entered Heaven and met with the Lord, after a short interview God asked: "Hey Stephen, I need you to explain to me how does all this stuff work?"
God's racist. He separated light from dark.
A pair of souls were floating up to heaven when they passed a pair of eagles.
"Ah, eagles," said the souls. The eagles were too polite to say anything.
Why did he go to hell? Because he couldn't use the stairs to Heaven.
When Stephen Hawking died, he saw the stairway to Heaven.
He thought to himself, "Oh God, this is awkward!"
Why did he die?
Because God made a mistake and pressed Ctrl+Z.
How do you kill a little boy?
You throw him between two Catholic priests.
Man, my Muslim friend's the bomb!
Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day.
Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"
Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty!" shouts Molly.
"Correct," says the teacher.
The next day the teacher asks, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"
Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack's pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty!" she shouts.
"Correct again," says the teacher.
The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.
This time the teacher asks her, "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"
Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'm going to crack it in half!"