Religious jokes
My girlfriend who is a Jehovah's Witness had sex with me so hard, she turned to Christianity.
What is the state of California best for? Screwing everything up!
What is the state of Florida for? Rednecks for days!
What is the state of Texas for? Guns!
What is the state of Utah for? Mormons and Pligs baby! (I hate all of the religious stuff!)
What is the state of Idaho for? Calling other people Ho's, mostly!
What is the state of Nevada for? Ever heard of gambling?
What is the state of Delaware for? Literally anything that isn't exciting!
What is the state of New York for? In my state of mind, it's a song! (If you don't get this one, look up the song of New York State of Mind)
"The rise of atheism is going to lead to a break down of social morals and lead to all kinds of filth, including an increase in child abuse," said the village priest.
The village scientists did some fact checking. In prison, they found roughly 70% of child abusers were hyper religious before committing the crimes, and another 20% converted to religions to look 'remorseful'. The remaining 10% preferred not to say. They presented the findings to the media.
"Scientists slander good religious folk and ignore the weight of evidence!"
"Is Science biased against religion? You decide in this survey," they reported.
The village priest is living at his majesty's convenience and tells the others he committed armed robbery.
"Why is this a joke? It's not even funny!" said the person reading this, breaking the forth wall.
What is funny is you got to the end of this post and didn't cringe. Why not?
Where do religious kids practice sports?
In the prayground.
HELP! I MIGHT BE A RELIGIOUS EXTREMIST BECAUSE MY RHYMES ARE DA BOMB.
No one:
Nothing:
Not a single f***ing soul:
Spanish Empire: DING DONG YOUR RELIGION IS WRONG!
What did the cop say to the muslim breaking the law?
"That's against th-Allah (read like da-law)."
My gay ass: I want to find Jesus.
Religious mom: FINALLY!
Me: Grabs a noose.
Q: What do you call a religious Wookie?
A: Jewbacca.
A 17 year old pregnant Juanita flew all the way to NY from TX to get an abortion. Initially, she was denied the procedure because she wasn't COVID boosted, but after she explained the father was religious and wanted to be involved, they quickly resolved the threat.
God = what I hope to be.
Devil = what I can't accept.
I hope to be like Jesus, a dead martyr. I can't accept that my religion is evil.
A priest, a rabbi, and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”
Why is a nun called a nun?
'Cause they ain't supposed to get none ;)
What's your religion?
What's the difference between a priest and a rabbi? A rabbi cuts it off, a priest sucks it off.
I’m not religious, but you’re the answer to all of my prayers.
In what ways do nuns and hoes have something in common?
They both worship on their knees. They are both creatures of habit. They both take vows of poverty and obedience. Once chosen, neither can leave the life. They both swallow their hosts.
I nailed my Jewish girlfriend so hard, she turned Christian.
How do you make holy water?
You take normal water and boil the hell out of it.
What's the difference between a nun and a woman in a bathtub?
One's got hope in her soul, the other's got soap in her hole.