Relationship jokes

What’s red, nine inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry every time she sees it?

Her abortion.

Why can't orphans do it?

They have no one to call "daddy."

My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."

Your mum stinks of disabled people.

Wanna know why?

I don't know either, you tell me.

If I don't get a partner for Christmas this year, mistletoe won't be the only thing hanging from the ceiling.

I have friends.

My current love life is like a god. It’s not real.

This morning, I was having a conversation with my ex-boyfriend about reincarnation. I said to him, "If you could come back in the next life as anything, what would you come back as?" He thought about it for a minute and says, "A tree. That way, everybody can look at me and admire me."

Then he says the same thing to me. I started thinking about it when these two sexy, half-naked studs walked by. One was a jock, the other on his bicycle. I know I said I want to come back as a jockstrap or a bicycle seat, but knowing my luck, I'll come back as a tampon.

Blessed Brian, your secrets are safe with me... because I wasn’t listening when you told them.

There was a girl called Millie, and she had sexy blond hair, and she wanted to chase me, but I told her she had to catch me first if she loves me.

I was playing laser tag with my ex, but I (wink) didn't realize I had a real gun.

My emo friend got jealous when my phone died.

20 years of sex in the dark, the wife finds out he was using a dildo. The wife gets angry and says, "Explain the dildo, prick." The husband says, "Explain the children, bitch."

Your mom's like a candy machine; she pops out for anybody.

Why does my girlfriend have a dick? Oh wait, I'm gay.

I was walking down the street when I saw my ex-girlfriend, so I fucked her. Turns out it was her identical twins that she never told me about.

And I decided to confront her. So I did the next time I saw her, but this time it was her identical triplet. There are 3 of them...

AND SHE NEVER BROUGHT THAT UP IN THE 7 YEARS I WAS DATING HER!

I like my girlfriend's new secondary school uniform, I guess, but doesn’t beat her old primary school one. 😀

Why do people like dating us emo girls? Because of the texture on our thighs.

You must be from Pearl Harbor, 'cause baby, you're the bomb!

I asked my dad to come to my Father’s Day breakfast.

The orphanage worker just said, “Don’t be silly!”