Relationship jokes

Kid: "Hey, are you an orphan?"

Friend: "Yeah, but you are too."

Kid: "At least my parents wanted me."

Maybe if I fall in love with my depression, it'll leave me too.

How did the cow break up with the other cow? He said he moo-ved on.

A kid gets home from school and finds his mom and dad having sex. The kid asks, "What are you doing, Dad?" The dad replies, "Having sex with your mom, son," and he starts laughing.

The next day, Dad gets home from work and finds his son having sex with his nan. The dad shouts, "What the hell are you doing, son?" The kid replies, "It's not funny when it's your mom, is it?"

What's the difference between calling someone dad or daddy? How you come from his balls.

Jill goes home one night with a guy she met at a club. He's tall, super hot, and seems different than most guys she meets. They arrive at his place and head straight to his room. Jill can't help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears. On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle are medium-sized teddy bears, and finally, on the top are large teddy bears, all lined up beside each other.

She begins to think that he is sentimental and sweet, and isn't afraid to show it. Her heart melts and she want to give him the best night of his life. She gives him a blowjob, and lets him really give it to her, and even takes it in the rear! In the morning, she slowly gets dressed, and smiles at him and asks, "How was that?" He nods and says, "Not too fuckin' bad at all. Help yourself to a prize on the second shelf!"

My girlfriend is a porn star. -- She will kill me if she finds out.

A boy and a girl are showering together. The girl looks down and says to the boy, "Hey, can I touch it?" The boy replies, "Oh hell nah. You already ripped yours off."

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's joking.

When your girlfriend has an abortion, it's kinda like dodging your own bullets.

I nailed my sister's... picture on the wall.

You dirty-minded bastard!

My Asian girlfriend has a weird name. As I gave her anal, she was yelling "I'm too young."

Q: What's the hardest thing about losing your virginity?

A: Making sure she doesn't wake up.

If a heterosexual man wanted his dick sucked, what would a feminist say to him that a gay man would never say to him?

"Not now, I have a headache."

Many years of sex in the dark.

The wife finds out he was using a dildo. The wife gets angry and says, "Explain the dildo, prick!"

The husband says, "Explain the children, bitch!"

My girlfriend lives a few miles away from me.

The other night, she called me at around 3 AM. She was terrified. She said that there were two armed gunmen in her apartment.

With all that adrenaline going through my system, it made it hard to go back to sleep.

I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.

When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"

I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."

Q: What’s the difference between me and you?

A: I’m not wasting my time reading this joke.

Once, there was a couple about to have sex. "I have something to confess," said the shy wife. The husband then said, "Whatever it is, I will still love." The wife then said, "Honey, I'm flat chested." The husband said, "It's okay, I'm a baby down there anyways." He then pulled down his pants and began to have sex.

The next day, the wife said, "I thought you were a baby down there." The husband then said, "I am; 22 inches and 7 pounds."

Why did the woman want a boyfriend at least 2 🦶 taller?

So she could feel like a little girl and fulfill her rape fantasy.