Many years of sex in the dark.
The wife finds out he was using a dildo. The wife gets angry and says, "Explain the dildo, prick!"
The husband says, "Explain the children, bitch!"
My girlfriend lives a few miles away from me.
The other night, she called me at around 3 AM. She was terrified. She said that there were two armed gunmen in her apartment.
With all that adrenaline going through my system, it made it hard to go back to sleep.
Q: What's the hardest thing about losing your virginity?
A: Making sure she doesn't wake up.
I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.
When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"
I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."
Q: What’s the difference between me and you?
A: I’m not wasting my time reading this joke.
Once, there was a couple about to have sex. "I have something to confess," said the shy wife. The husband then said, "Whatever it is, I will still love." The wife then said, "Honey, I'm flat chested." The husband said, "It's okay, I'm a baby down there anyways." He then pulled down his pants and began to have sex.
The next day, the wife said, "I thought you were a baby down there." The husband then said, "I am; 22 inches and 7 pounds."
My wife is like a mirror.
I can never look at it.
Son: Dad, Dad, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG!!!!!!!
Dad: What's wrong? Are you OK?!
Son: Mia asked me out on a date on February 30th!
Dad: 'Cause there's no February 30th?
I'm in jail for 5 minutes and I already got fucked 15 times. You don't have any idea how much I hate playing Monopoly with my dad.
The daughter milked her dad. It turns out it wasn't milk...
One man's trash is another man's treasure.
Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.
I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks.
I didn't want to interrupt her.
A couple is sitting down, holding hands, and having a picnic after their wedding when the husband's friend walks over and says,
"Jenny and Jonathan sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes abrupt, tragic miscarriage! Then comes blame. Then comes despair, two hearts damaged, beyond repair. Johnathan leaves Jenny, and writes on the tree: D-I-V-O-R-C-E."
Why do orphans love having sex?
Because they can finally call somebody "daddy."
What is the difference between a washing machine and a hooker?
I can put a load in the washing machine without it following me.
Why did the orphan not have a girlfriend?
Because he thought that she would leave him too.
Today was a bad day. First, my ex got hit by a bus. Then I lost my job as a bus driver.
Kidnapping is just surprise adoption.
Why can't orphans be gay?
Because they have no one they can call "daddy."
My dad's the oldest, and when he was young, he shot my grandpa's balls off, but I thought about it. How does my dad have younger brothers?
