Relationship jokes

Mickey Mouse is speaking with a divorce attorney...

...and the attorney says, "I'm sorry Mickey, I've gone over all of Minnie's medical history and I find no evidence of mental illness."

To which Mickey replies, "I didn't say she's crazy! I said she's fucking Goofy!"

Roses are red,

Violets are blue, I’d rather be single than with someone like you.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his wife?

He wiped.

What do a relationship and suicidal thought have in common? They’ll both end soon.

Hickory dickory dock. My wife avoids my cock. She's losing her and having an affair. So I had to slap Chris Rock.

My mom said don't fuck whores.

So I kicked my step sis out the house.

I want to date depression cuz at least I know they won't leave me.

Ariana Grande had 7 husbands, so she had 7 rings.

My dad brought me some sunglasses, but it still wasn't enough to keep my son out of my life.

Friend: I broke up with Sara.

Me: I know, she came over and I screwed her hard.

Friend: How did her pussy feel?

Me: After about 2 inches, it felt brand new.

Friend: What do you— HOLD UP. WHAT TF IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!?!

Why do orphans love having sex?

Because they can finally call somebody "daddy."

A guy is sitting at a bar when a drunk man walks up to him, calling his mom a whore. The guy just ignores it and stays in his spot drinking his beer. An hour goes by and the drunk man comes back saying, "Your mom is a whore!" The guy sitting looks around the bar, sees people staring and says, "Don't worry, everything is cool here," and shrugs it off. After a few more shots, the drunk man walks up a third time and says, "Your mom... is such... a whore!" The guy finally gets mad, throws his fist on the table and says, "You know what? Go home Dad!"

The daughter milked her dad. It turns out it wasn't milk...

Jack and Jill popped some pills to get a little tipsy.

Jack got a surprise and bloodshot eyes because Jill gave him a roofie.

Many years of sex in the dark.

The wife finds out he was using a dildo. The wife gets angry and says, "Explain the dildo, prick!"

The husband says, "Explain the children, bitch!"

If a heterosexual man wanted his dick sucked, what would a feminist say to him that a gay man would never say to him?

"Not now, I have a headache."

I told my mother I wanted a brother for Christmas. The next day, I saw her in the strip club across the street.

Kenny is living with his girlfriend now.

He just moved back in with his mom.

Maybe if I fall in love with my depression, it'll leave me too.

How did the cow break up with the other cow? He said he moo-ved on.