Jimmy: Your mom is gay.
Me: No, you.
Jimmy: I have no mom.
Why do men have penises?
They gotta shut women up somehow.
I like my women like a day: 24 year olds. 24 hours of fun.
Have you ever said no? Did they keep going?
So my ex invited me to dinner with her new boyfriend.
Her boyfriend said "Hi."
I said, "Knife to meet you!"
Many years of sex in the dark.
The wife finds out he was using a dildo. The wife gets angry and says, "Explain the dildo, prick!"
The husband says, "Explain the children, bitch!"
Two mums hook up!
Their daughter comes in the room and says, "Which one's the baby daddy?"
The "mum" points to the woman who was actually a man!
When your uncle drops a nickel, but the only thing he really drops is his pants.
My penis is too big for my dad to suck it, so my mum sucks it instead.
Ur mom.
Adopted kid: I made a big mistake!
Dad: You are one.
What did the man's dick say to the man?
I just can't "hand"le it!
What’s the difference between women and condoms?
There isn’t a difference; they’re both throw aways.
What's between a wife and a husband?
A divorce.
I had a horrible nightmare yesterday. I was in a room filled with all of my ex's, so I was completely alone.
A bicurious man goes to a gay bar.
A gay man offers him a drink.
The bi man explains he doesn't know if he's gay or not.
"That's fine," he says, "let's just have a drink."
The gay man asks him for a dance, and he explains again he isn't sure if he's gay or not.
Eventually, the gay man invites him to go home with him to hang out as friends.
They get to his house, and the gay man says, "Do you fancy having sex?"
He isn't sure, so the gay man explains, "I'll push in slow, and at any point you want to stop, make animal sounds, and if you like it, start singing."
So they get to it, and the gay man pushes in slowly, the bi man bursts out "MOOOOO MOOOOO MOOOOOOVVVEE CCLOSSEEERRRR"
What's worse than waking up with a dead baby next to you?
Realizing you were so drunk that you made love to it the night before...
Tyler: What's your favorite fruit?
Frankie: Pineapple duh, what's yours?
Tyler: Pineapple
Frankie: Wanna come over and watch some Netflix? I'm home alone.
Tyler: Absolutely!! What time should I be there?
Frankie: Right now.
Tyler: Sweet! Should I bring a condom?
Frankie: Now enough talk, let's fuck.
Tyler: I thought you never asked.
How do you turn a straight guy into a gay guy? Well... for starters, you grab that ass of his, drag him into the bathroom, and tell him to suck my long, big pineapple, and thus you have yourself one straight guy converted into a dick-sucking machine.
"Fuck me."
That's what she said.
