Relationship jokes
My wife purely hates me for me having sex with our daughter.
It's not my fault I couldn't wait to get out of the abortion clinic!
What do a girl and a bar have in common?
A- Liquor in the front, poker in the back!
Who do you call someone that steals his brother's girlfriend and [is] disowned by his whole family? Brandon.
You're not my dad.
How did Rihanna know that Chris Brown was cheating on her? There was a different color of lipstick on his knuckles.
Mayonnaise marry me?
Why are priests called father? Because it's too suspicious to call them daddy.
20 years of sex in the dark, the wife finds out he was using a dildo. The wife gets angry and says, "Explain the dildo, prick." The husband says, "Explain the children, bitch."
What is the difference between a washing machine and a hooker?
I can put a load in the washing machine without it following me.
What's the difference between pussy and pizza... nothing because I'll eat them both.
Face-Timing My Girlfriend:
"Hey girl! Are you a veterinarian? Because these puppies are sick!" *shows muscle*
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were walking down the street when a french fry caught the attention of Mr. Potato.
Mrs. Potato said: "I see you eye-balling that French girl!"
Q: What’s the difference between me and you?
A: I’m not wasting my time reading this joke.
What's the best part about having sex with 28 year olds? There are 20 of them.
What does a pirate say to his girlfriend?
I want your booty!
A son walks up to his dad and says, "Dad! I just had sex for the first time."
The dad goes, "Great! Wanna sit down and talk about it?"
The son says, "I can't sit right now, my butt is very sore."
What did Chris Brown say when he saw Rihanna?
"I'd hit that."
One day Little Johnny’s class is having an English lesson. The teacher asks them, “Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?” Little Mary says, “The teacher is very intelligent.” The teacher asks them, “Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?” Little Suzie says, “They are very fashionable.” The teacher says, “Johnny, why don’t you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence.” Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy, ‘Darling, how does my dick taste?’”
Women are like blackjack. I’m trying for 21, but I always hit on 14.
A guy and a woman are walking into a forest. The woman says she is lonely. The guy then says, "Don't worry, there will be a third person in a little while."