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Relationship jokes

What does a husband of a woman do when he is horny?

He goes on a business trip with 100 $1 dollar bills.

Stage 4 cancer is like a woman. You can’t beat it, but if you do, she’ll probably come back again.

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    • I was talking to my old friend. They said, "We should hang out more!"

    I said, "You mean we should ketchup?"

    I like my cigars like I like my women: 7 years old and in a burlap sack from Cuba.

    Ok, not really racist but still funny.

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    • There was a boy named Sammy, and he was deeply in love with a girl named Rayne. But she didn’t notice him or talk to him. But one day, she did, and they end up liking each other and getting married and lived happil- wait no, that’s not right. Sammy snuck in Rayne’s house at night and kidnapped her, locked her in his basement, and turned her into a puppet so she'd be with him forever and ever. The End.

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    • There once was a boy named Sammy who loved this girl beyond belief. Her name was Rayne, but she didn’t notice him and or talk to him, but one day she did, and the ended up liking each other and getting married and living happil- wait no, that’s not right. Sammy actually snuck in Rayne's house one day and kidnapped her and locked her in his basement and made her into a puppet so he could keep her forever and ever. The End.

    Why does my cheating ex-wife wear a colostomy bag?

    She lost her ass playing poker...

    Did y’all hear about the increasing divorce rate because people are addicted to Fortnite?

    They’re just two weeks to quit.

    A man asked another man if he was happy with his marriage. He replied, "Yes, I'm very happy. We go on date night every week." The other man asked, "When?" He goes on Wednesday and I go on Thursday.

    So my best friend’s boyfriend broke up with her, and she started to cry.

    So I told her a ‘single’ joke. Then she said, "Go and f***ing die, you insensitive bitch!"

    I later said, "Ugh, fine, as your BFF I will break his body for you. Happy now?"

    She said, "Sniff, yes."

    So, my best friend's boyfriend broke up with her, and she started to cry.

    So I told her a "single" joke, then she said, "Go and fucking die, you insensitive bitch!"

    I later said, "Ugh, fine, as your BFF, I will break his body for you—happy now?"

    She said, "*sniff* yes."

    There is a man and a woman on a date.

    The woman asked what kind of things do you love?

    The table starts to lift up on the man's side and the man says sorry.

    A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

    "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

    "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

    "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

    "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"

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