Relationship jokes

A man walks into a bar and see's a naked lady, "WOOW SHES HOT!" HE picks her up and pee's on her and says, "Hi lady lets have sex."

A baby and his father are sitting in a street cafe. A woman bends over to pick up her keys just as a gust of wind blows up the woman's dress. "va va voom," the baby says. The dad chuckles and says, "Yes. I'd like to have sex with her too."

A necrophiliac woman goes over to her friend's house after hooking up.

"Was it hung?" her friend asks.

"No, he was shot."

Hi, people. I really need a friend. Can someone please be my friend? Say in comments if you will.

Hey, this is to orphans:

"Orphans are ugly. We need to know each other :D We need to date, cause ur hot and so am I and orphans rly are ugly!!!!"

To Mr. Nice Guy, you are nice, sweet, and caring! I am so grateful to be your friend!

Your mom.

Hi there! My name is Michael Grover, and I am an explorer. Ever since I’ve been little, I’ve loved searching for new things. As a baby, my parents kept finding me in nooks and crannies around the house. “On the search,” as they would say.

By the age of 5, I had been to every continent on the planet, barring Antarctica. For my 12th birthday, my parents got me diving lessons, and by the time I was 13, I could scuba dive to a depth of 40 meters, as well as go cave diving.

I got a pilot’s license by the age of 17, and I learned to sail just before my 18th birthday. Instead of going to university, I decided to travel around South America, exploring its rich jungles and beautiful landscapes.

During my trip, I met my now wife who was also an explorer. For our honeymoon, we sailed around the Caribbean, and we discovered 3 new islands which we named after the cats that I had growing up.

Over the course of my life, I have come across great treasures and wondrous experiences. But in all my life, and in all my travels, I’m afraid I have never come across a single person who cared about what you just said.

Me: *watching TV*

Mom: Omg, no way, your dad is coming!

Me: Really?

Mom: Obviously not, he never loved or wanted you.

What is the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your whole day. Anal sex makes your hole weak.

What do you call a gay man that is not physically handicapped that performs blowjobs on gay men that are physically handicapped?

Caregiver.

"Gwen, I want my boyfriend back!"

My mom is actually a mum! 😱

Hi, I'm Madison, but for short you can call me Alex.

Mom (DYM 65).

My mom said she will slam my head into my computer if I don't get off it, but I'm not too worried. I think she is joking.

Q) Why did the uncle sleep with his own nephew?

A) Cuz the boy wouldn't stop talking about Donald Trump every single weekend.

Small word of advice: Don't wait till next month or next year to do stuff with the people you love, because they may be gone by then. You don't realize, but every second there is someone who dies, and it just could be your loved one.

I'm really bored and I don't know what's up with Prince. He isn't talking to me.

And Freshfry, why are you so mean now?

Welcome to the Friend Zone! It’s lonely here.