Puns

Don’t fart in an Apple Store.

It has no Windows.

What did the football coach say when he went to the bank?

-"I want my quarterback."

A pun walked into a room and killed ten people.

Pun in, ten dead.

My girlfriend broke up with me because of my pasta fetish.

I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bartender here?"

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 4K and above.

It's my New Year's resolution.

What do you call a calf that is in no way brave?

A coward.

What would be a pet's favorite thing to click on on this website?

Cat-egories.

Get it?

Puns about air conditioning. I'm not a fan.

If a kid refused to go to bed, does that make them guilty of resisting a rest?

Why don't ants get sick?

Because they have anty-bodies.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints.

I shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.

A boy went to a costume party with a girl on his back. Someone asked him what he was supposed to be. He answered, "A turtle."

"Then why do you have a girl on your back?" the guy asked again.

The boy answered, "It's Michelle."

What is orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

I asked my rigger buddy if he could tie me up later, he said, "I'm a frayed knot."

What did the beaver say to his son?

Dam, son.

Two atoms were walking on a street. One atom said to the other: "I'm feeling really positive today," and the other replied: "I know. I stole your electron." Then the first atom said "How Ionic."

I really want to beat the living daylights out of you, but it's not worth getting the wooden spoon for garbage.

What do you call a fat fortune teller? A four-chin teller.