Puns
So, some thieves robbed me the other day. They took everything I owned, except for the soap, towels, and deodorant.
Dirty bastards.
Knock knock! Who's there? Deja. Deja who? Knock knock!
What do you call a calf that is in no way brave?
A coward.
There was a person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
How many thumbs down can this joke get?
Joke: Runescape, mustard, tits, Pamela Anderson.
I was talking to my friends and they said a random topic about cats, and I'm like, "Water you talking about?" =3
Why does a movie set say "break a leg"? Because they have a cast.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but what do two Wrights make?
The first airplane.
If I were addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
I heard Kobe was writing a book about helicopters, but it just wouldn't land with people...
I know, I'm going to hell!
I didn’t know what a class clown was till I went to a class and realized I was a class clown in kindergarten, and then I woke up from a nightmare.
Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tail.
A man puts in ten jokes into a joke contest. He hopes that at least one will win. Sadly, no pun intended.
Mom: Go water the plants.
Me: But it’s raining outside.
Mom: Go grab the umbrella.
Me: What???
What do you say when you see a pig making bread? He's bacon.
Yesterday in my dream I ate a ten pound marshmallow, when I woke up, my pillow was gone.
A man was raping a woman and thought the year was 1970, and he exclaimed to the judge later that he was her husband.
She got sent to the Asylum for Hysteria.
Wait, what? Was he actually her husband?
He was a Christian, so that actually meant he was AFTER the rape.
Wait, what? The Bible doesn't say that.
Actually yes, it does, and marital rape was legal until 1990.
WAIT WHAT? That's not funny.
I'll tell ya what's funny, that you think the women have nothing to complain about.
I've just started a new business making people breathe in large amounts of helium. They all speak very highly of it.
Donald Trump: "I play Fortnite just to build walls."
One day, I came home from school and said to my dad, "I got expelled from school today." He said, "How?" I said, "I threw my book at the teacher." He asked, "Why?" I told him, "We were doing an anti-bullying program, and my teacher said words can't hurt me, so I threw my dictionary at her."