Puns
Two flies were playing football in a saucer. One tells the other, “You’ll need more practice if you want to play in the cup!”
Q: Why did the fault line start acting crazy?
A: Because it was on crack.
Having sex while camping is fucking in tents (intense).
Have you heard about the corduroy pillow cases? They've been making headlines.
I fell from the stairs the other day. It really "got me down."
Did you hear about the 100 centimeter girl?
I’d really like to meter.
Math puns are the first SINE of madness! Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
I didn't trip and fall... I attacked the floor, and I believe I am winning :3
I want a job cleaning mirrors. I could really see myself doing it!
Me and my receding hairline? Believe me, we go way back.
Why do they tell actors to "break a leg"?
Because every play has a cast.
What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a badly dressed man on a unicycle? Attire.
What is the cheapest kind of meat?
Deer balls, two for under a buck!
If there was someone selling drugs around here, we'd know.
I make science puns, but only periodically.
What do you call a dead parrot?
Polygon.
If you give a gator a GPS, does that make it a navigator?
My ceiling isn't the best... But it's up there!
What did the plug hole say to the plug? "We are so in sync."
Here's a list of puns, not all of them are mine.
1. Smaller babies may be delivered by stork, but the heavier ones need a crane.
2. Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
3. My sister bet that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.
4. Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.
5. Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
6. Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer long!
7. Why didn’t the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!
8. How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill!
9. That baseball player was such a bad sport. He stole third base and then just went home!
10. My parents said I can’t drink coffee anymore. Or else they’ll ground me!