Puns
6:30 is the best time on a clock... hands down.
Someone butt-dialed me again yesterday. It seems that only assholes want to speak to me.
I told my friend ten puns to see what one made him laugh. No pun in ten did.
Did you hear about the fire in the shoe factory?
Many soles were lost.
Did you hear about the monkeys that share an Amazon account? They were prime mates.
They say string theory is hanging on by a thread.
One hat told another hat to stay behind, and he will go on a-head.
Is it just me, or are magnets really attractive?
Why don't phones wear glasses? Because they have contacts!
I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
What does a house wear?
A dress.
Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert?
Because she was stuffed.
What do you call two monkeys who share the same Amazon account? Prime mates.
I just quit my job at a can crushing factory.
It was soda-pressing.
Why aren't apple chargers called apple juice? Also, how do you throw away trash cans?
Butter believe it.
What do you call an act of “funny” discipline? A PUN-ishment!
I wanted to tell an animal joke but it's irrelephant.
My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."
One day, a leaf asks Mom, "Mom, why am I named Leaf?"
Mom says, "Because when you were a baby, a leaf fell on your head."
The next day, Feather asks Mom, "Mommy, why am I named Feather?"
Mom says, "When you were a baby, a feather fell on your head."
The next day, Brick asks Mom, "Rhsisvrkanx!"
Mom says, "Shut up, Brick!"