Puns
All real chemists know that alcohol is always a solution.
I did this chemistry joke yesterday, but I didn't get a reaction.
What did the shoe say to the other shoe?
Nothing, it was tied up in another conversation.
According to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.
I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.
What hairstyle do horses like best while reading a story?
Pony-tails.
I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.
What do you call a mouse that doesn't like being known about?
Anonymouse.
I love it when candy canes are in mint condition.
You are all going to be pun-ished!
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.
How do you stay warm in a cold room?
You go to the corners. It's always 90 degrees.
I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Why don't ants get sick?
Because they have anty-bodies.
Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.
What do you call a Russian tree?
Dimitree.
I've never worn my gay sweater, it hasn't come out of the closet yet.
Two people just met. One said, “We should do some bonding.” The other nodded and said back, “Titanic.” The first just looked confused so the second one just said, “Sorry, thought that would be a good icebreaker.”
Why doesn't Kermit the frog get married?
He doesn't like commitment.
Why do mermaids wear seashells?
They are too big for “B” shells, and too small for “D” shells.
Why didn't anyone react when the king farted? -- It was a noble gas.