Why did the strawberry cry? -- Because his mother was in a jam.
I wrote down a speech at home yesterday. When I got to school I was speechless.
Someone butt dialed me again yesterday. It seems that only assholes want to speak to me.
Did you hear about the fire in the shoe factory? Many soles were lost.
Did you hear about the monkeys that share a amazon account?They where prime mates
What did the beach say as the tide came in?
Long time, no sea.
I was very lonely so I bought some shares. -- It's nice to have a bit of company.
When we were visiting the hoover dam. I started to get a bit hungry. I asked my parents, "Wheres the dam snack bar?"
Which branch of the military accepts toddlers? The infantry.
I really hate waiting to die..... Its taking a lifetime
Why do ducks have feathers?
To cover their butt-quack.
Why did the tomato blush? -- Because it saw the salad dressing.
They say string theory is hanging on by a thread.
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? -- People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooo.
One hat told another hat to stay behind, and he will go on a-head.
I used to be a banker but I lost interest...
Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She always ran away from the ball.
Why can’t bikes stand? Because they are two tired (Too tired)
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom. The "p" is silent.
I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that
Why don't phones wear glasses? Because they have contacts!
