Puns
What do you call a patronizing criminal walking down the stairs?
A condescending con descending.
What did the lungs say to the cigar?
"You take my breath away..."
What do you say to your sister when she's crying? -- "Are you having a crisis?"
When the chair was invented, the inventor's friend wanted to know what it did. The inventor replied: "You might want to sit down for this."
If your sister steps on your toe, what will you call it?
Wanna hear a terrible joke?
Paper
Pretty tear-able, huh?
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I blew forty bucks in there."
Why did the tomato blush? -- Because it saw the salad dressing.
Broke my toenail yesterday. I'm now presenting you puns/jokes:
1. "Yeah, I broke my toenail, wanna see phoTOES?" 2. "I'm tired of bandaging my toe! Oh. My. GAUZE."
I just quit my job at a can crushing factory.
It was soda-pressing.
Why can't skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
Which branch of the military accepts toddlers? The infantry.
So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.
Why didn't anyone react when the king farted? -- It was a noble gas.
What would be a pet's favorite thing to click on on this website?
Cat-egories.
Get it?
Blue: The ocean is a place where the creatures live.
Black: NIGHTMARES LIVE!
Blue: It has many pretty things and it will-
Black: KILL YA TO DEATH! Especially if you are on Titanic! So let that sink in. PUN INTENDED!
I wrote puns on a piece of paper like this:
P. P. P. P. U. U. U. U. N. N. N. N. S. S. S. S.
Then I showed them to my teacher, asking him what they had in common.
“They are all very tearable,” he replied.
Well, there is one person who gets it!
Why does a movie set say "break a leg"? Because they have a cast.
Smaller babies may be delivered by a stork, but bigger ones need a crane.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.