Puns

How much does a pirate pay for corn?

A buccaneer!

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

What is the longest word in the English Dictionary? "Smiles," because there is a mile between the first letter and the last.

Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with. So, they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Two men walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would've seen it.

What do you call a Chinese billionaire?

Cha Ching.

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

According to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.

What do you say to your sister when she's crying? -- "Are you having a crisis?"

I almost secretly married a watermelon, but I cantaloupe.

Wanna hear a terrible joke?

Paper

Pretty tear-able, huh?

Q: What happens when a pig plays tug-of-war?

A: Pulled pork.

Why did the coffee file a police report? -- Because it was mugged.

After an explosion at a French cheese factory... all that was left was De Brie.

What did the beach say as the tide came in?

Long time, no sea.

I was very lonely so I bought some shares. -- It's nice to have a bit of company.

I really hate waiting to die... It's taking a lifetime.

Why do ducks have feathers?

To cover their butt-quack.

Why did the tomato blush? -- Because it saw the salad dressing.

What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? -- People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooo.