Puns
My pathological cheater of a sister wanted to play a board game with me.
I turned her down because I didn't like the Risk involved.
Do you think Mars prefers Sour Orbiters sweet?
Orbiter: "Or bitter?"
What card is the slowest and slimiest?
Ace-nail.
Why is a waiter good at math?
Because he knows his TABLES! 🤣
Belief in Egyptian gods is just Ra-ng (wrong). 😁
My parents said to me, "Whenever you say sorry to someone and they say, 'It's okay,' it's really not."
So I said, "Okay."
Josh
What is the funniest hill in the world called? Hill-arious!
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
I woke up on the floor this morning. I think I woke up on the wrong side though.
What was the incontinent farmer's greatest problem? He managed his carrot patch but couldn't control his peas!
Where did the one legged lady work?
IHOP
Me: (Tim) What's wrong?
Him: Wha...
Me: Are you inTIMidated?
What has 10 wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
Did you ever hear the story about the broken pencil?
That's okay. There is really no point to it.
Playing a game called 7-Up.
Student: Why can't I use a pencil to tap their fingers?
Teacher: It's cheating!
Student: No! It's the object of the game.
Q: What did the man say after removing another man's hat? A: He was decapitated.
GRAVEYARD SAVINGS:
While leafing through our local newspaper, I noticed this classified ad: “For sale: one used tombstone. Splendid opportunity for a family named Dingle.”
I just watched a program about beavers. It was the worst dam program I've ever seen.
I was taking a walk near the prison when I saw a good looking guy climbing down the fence, and when he noticed me, he gave me a sneer! It was pretty condescending.