Puns
Did you hear about the two burglars that stole a calendar?
I hear they got six months each.
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta!
What do you call a piece of paper? A piece of paper.
What card is the slowest and slimiest?
Ace-nail.
My pathological cheater of a sister wanted to play a board game with me.
I turned her down because I didn't like the Risk involved.
Why is a waiter good at math?
Because he knows his TABLES! 🤣
My parents said to me, "Whenever you say sorry to someone and they say, 'It's okay,' it's really not."
So I said, "Okay."
Do you think Mars prefers Sour Orbiters sweet?
Orbiter: "Or bitter?"
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
Josh
What is the funniest hill in the world called? Hill-arious!
I woke up on the floor this morning. I think I woke up on the wrong side though.
I just watched a program about beavers. It was the worst dam program I've ever seen.
Q: What did the man say after removing another man's hat? A: He was decapitated.
I was taking a walk near the prison when I saw a good looking guy climbing down the fence, and when he noticed me, he gave me a sneer! It was pretty condescending.
What was the incontinent farmer's greatest problem? He managed his carrot patch but couldn't control his peas!
Where did the one legged lady work?
IHOP
Did you ever hear the story about the broken pencil?
That's okay. There is really no point to it.
Playing a game called 7-Up.
Student: Why can't I use a pencil to tap their fingers?
Teacher: It's cheating!
Student: No! It's the object of the game.
Me: (Tim) What's wrong?
Him: Wha...
Me: Are you inTIMidated?