Puns

What did one casket say to the other casket?

"Is that you coughin'?"

"I really hate cats," my friend replied with, "You gotta be kitten me!"

What planets do Astronauts like to pee on?

Uranus!

(Say this out loud and it will make more sense.)

Do you think Mars prefers Sour Orbiters sweet?

Orbiter: "Or bitter?"

What card is the slowest and slimiest?

Ace-nail.

Why is a waiter good at math?

Because he knows his TABLES! 🤣

My pathological cheater of a sister wanted to play a board game with me.

I turned her down because I didn't like the Risk involved.

My parents said to me, "Whenever you say sorry to someone and they say, 'It's okay,' it's really not."

So I said, "Okay."

What do you call a piece of paper? A piece of paper.

Josh

What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.

What is the funniest hill in the world called? Hill-arious!

I woke up on the floor this morning. I think I woke up on the wrong side though.

What was the incontinent farmer's greatest problem? He managed his carrot patch but couldn't control his peas!

Me: (Tim) What's wrong?

Him: Wha...

Me: Are you inTIMidated?

Where did the one legged lady work?

IHOP

Playing a game called 7-Up.

Student: Why can't I use a pencil to tap their fingers?

Teacher: It's cheating!

Student: No! It's the object of the game.

GRAVEYARD SAVINGS:

While leafing through our local newspaper, I noticed this classified ad: “For sale: one used tombstone. Splendid opportunity for a family named Dingle.”

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the worst dam program I've ever seen.

Did you ever hear the story about the broken pencil?

That's okay. There is really no point to it.