Puns
I dropped my phone the other day when a guy picked up my phone and started to put it in his pocket.
I said, "Hey, that's my phone," and he said, "First of all, my name isn't 'Hey', it's Jay. Second of all, it's an iPhone, not a 'myPhone'. Get it right."
My ex still misses me... But her aim is getting better every time!
What's green and is dangerous?
Kermit with a flip knife.
Velcro is such a rip-off.
What do an acting role and playing sports have in common?
If you break a leg, you get cast.
What did the marshmallow say when he was roasting in the fire? "Is it hot in here, or is it just me?"
Don't you hate it when you sit on your balls? It's a real nutcracker!
During the holidays in the fruit bowl, the orange walked up to the banana and said, "Berry Christmas!"
What is a prisoner's favorite punctuation? A period. Why? Because it marks the end of a sentence.
If museums are full of dead things... Then why aren't there any memes inside them?
You want some dead batteries? They're free of charge.
How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.
What does a 911 call receiver say when they get a call?
"9 Juan Juan, who this?"
A skeleton had a job interview, but he looked messy.
I had to fix his collarbone.
It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records.
He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me.
A stone’s throw away, in fact.
Those were a-mug-zing jokes. They were Mugderful, and Mugjestic.
What did the cow say to the cheese? I am your father.
What do you call a cow that's laying down? Ground Beef.
In a normal country, they have lemonade. In Soviet Russia, they have Leninade: "Refresh yourself with a cold war."
What is the difference between your new teacher and a train?
Your teacher says, "Spit out your gum," but a train says, "Choo Choo!"