Puns

P = Person (not original "pun")

P1: Hey girl! P2: I got a bf! P1: Well, I got a Lamborghini Aventador, a Bugatti Super Sports, a yacht, and a private plane. P2: BF stand for breakfast. P2: Oh, and also, where did you get all that stuff? P1: GTA5 P2: You motherfucker!!!

(Communications with this person are now blocked)

What do you call a tall, affluent person? A big success.

What’s the most artistic fruit?

Vincent mango.

A blind man walked into a bar, and a table, and a chair.

I forgot what lightning was. Then it struck me.

Here's a good tree joke to spruce up your day!

I hear coal mining is a rock-bottom job.

I used to hate facial hair,

but then it grew on me.

- I think you're EGGcellent.

+ Wow... You really CRACK ME UP with that joke. I think you're a EGGxtraordinary comedian.

- Really? Are you done yet?.

+ Are you kidding? I have a DOZEN of them.

I walked in a sushi bar, and the sushi chef looked very o-fish-all!

A lumberjack goes to a person's house.

Then he realized the tree was too big and was stumped and had to leaf.

My son asked me to stop singing Oasis songs in public. I said maybe.

How do you plan a party in outer space?

You planet.

See, I was always told puns are funny.

But I can see now they aren't punny.

What do you call a bad pun? The pun is not punny!

I had a friend named Mari. Sadly, she did drugs.

So one day I go up to her and say, “Mari-juana do this???” She later asked me to leave forever... I don’t gnome why, but... it CRACKed me up a bit!!!

What do you call a broken chicken?

A broken chicken.

Patient: Doctor, I feel like a needle.

Doctor: I see your point!

Last night I slipped on a banana.

My friend said it was a-peeling!

What happens when you eat salmon with Nutella?

You get salmonella.