What is sticky, but it cannot stick a stick?
How much does a chimney cost?
It's free cause it's on the house.
Why has nobody been on Neptune? Because the wind is so big. And why the wind's so big? Because Neptune's yelling, "GETT OFFF MMY PPRROOPERRTY!!"
Yo head so big I can skate on yo head.
I'm talking bout real real big, set a plate on yo head, charge a phone on yo head, build a home on yo head, studio wide, write a song on yo head.
What's one thing you can say about your house, but not your girlfriend?
"I wish it were this color, why is it leaking there, I need help trimming the grass I mean bushes, I own it."
Why did the first fence hate the other fence?
The second fence used some of-fensive language.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
Of course, houses can't jump.
A farmer told me that he wanted a couple of acres, so I punched him in the teeth.
Did you hear about the new doggy condos?
Apparently they are now releasing!
A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment.
The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.
"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.
"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."
"How does it work?"
The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you asshole, it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"
Why can't orphans play Monopoly?
Because they never get a full house.
What time is it when a cow sits on your fence? Time to get a new fence!
The toilet having an argument with the toilet paper, the owner of the house had diarrhea, who's day was more shittier!?
What is a home that can fly?
A magic house!
I found an alien in my backyard. I put him to work. He went to a farm, and I never saw him again. Moments later, he is on the Daily Planet acting as a reporter. A green rock smashed my house. I called him back, and he passed out.
I remarked, "You lazy!"
Why did Marx never drink Earl Grey?
Because proper tea is theft.
A homey thing is a house, and a sticky thing is a stick.
It's illegal to go onto someone's property, demand money that they might not have while wearing all black, and threaten horrible things if they don't pay.
But when the IRS does it, it's perfectly fine. HMMMMM . . .
What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
Time to get a new fence!
Chemistry joke: Why did the Superman being normal people when a krypton was at him?
Because krypton is "stable."
