Yo mama so ugly, she has a sign in her garden saying, “Beware of the dog!”
A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.
First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.
If someone has a gun and tries to shoot you, just say, “Hipity hoppity, that gun is my property.”
If you go broke, you could always rent parking garages on your huge ass forehead.
I said to the fish, "I have dam."
Yo mama's so stupid, when thieves broke into her house and stole the TV, she chased after them shouting, "Wait, you forgot the remote!"
Three Things I Want For Christmas From Santa:
1. A Lambo
2. A House
3. UR MOM
3 year old boy: 1... 2...uh....?
Older brother: Ooh I know! 1, 2, 3 get the fuck off my apple tree!
The man was absolutely delighted to find that every lamp in his house was stolen.
This man came up to me and asked if I could sell my house to him, and I said sure. Then five days later, he said that the loan should come in the mailbox. Then I checked the mailbox, and the only thing I saw was nothing, so I told the guy, "DEEZ NUTS IN YOUR MOUTH!"
A woman buys a house, but she doesn't know what to name the house, so she stuck her head outside and heard "Hairy butt," so she named the house Hairy Butt.
The next month she had a baby, but she didn't know what to name him, so she stuck her head outside and heard "Crack," so she named the baby Crack.
After a year or two she lost him, so she called the police and said, "Help! I looked all over my hairy butt, but I couldn't find my little crack."
If you don't like my spelling, Explain Bear, have you realized I'm a duck and you are a bear? I've got more internet power and meme power, so shut the duck up and get a life and stay off my property and the internet.
Why did the Polish Roman Catholic priest remove zippers from the pants of gay men in the LGBT community?
Because he lost his key to his house and he was desperate to get back inside of his house and he thought that one of keys to their zippers would be able to unlock the door of his house.
Be careful around fire, plastic melts.
Unpopular opinion about programming but,
"Uncaught TypeError: Cannot read property 'myUnpopularOpinion' of undefined."
Why do orphans like Monopoly?
To cry about the money they can’t earn in real life.
There's a one-story house. Everything's yellow, even the kitchen, living room, and bedrooms. What color are the stairs?
Why doesn't Karl Marx like Earl Grey Tea?
Because all proper tea is theft.
What is sticky, but it cannot stick a stick?
A farmer told me that he wanted a couple of acres, so I punched him in the teeth.
