Property jokes

Why can't you go home tonight? Because you haven't got a home, it's moved.

The toilet having an argument with the toilet paper, the owner of the house had diarrhea, who's day was more shittier!?

Why doesn't Karl Marx like Earl Grey Tea?

Because all proper tea is theft.

What do a brand new house, me, and new jewelry box have in common?

We're all empty on the inside.

What is sticky, but it cannot stick a stick?

It's illegal to go onto someone's property, demand money that they might not have while wearing all black, and threaten horrible things if they don't pay.

But when the IRS does it, it's perfectly fine. HMMMMM . . .

A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment.

The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.

"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."

"How does it work?"

The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you asshole, it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"

My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."

Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Yes, houses can't jump at all.

What is the difference between a woman and ice? The ice always comes back.

If you go broke, you could always rent parking garages on your huge ass forehead.

I was digging in my backyard and I found gold, and I went to run and tell my mom, but I realized why I was digging in the backyard.

If someone has a gun and tries to shoot you, just say, “Hipity hoppity, that gun is my property.”

What can you do for a magic house?

Make it fly!

What is a home that can fly?

A magic house!

Why did the Polish Roman Catholic priest remove zippers from the pants of gay men in the LGBT community?

Because he lost his key to his house and he was desperate to get back inside of his house and he thought that one of keys to their zippers would be able to unlock the door of his house.

Why are wives also called a housekeeper?

Because after the divorce, they keep the house.

After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park.

Lord: "Has something happened while I was gone?"

Gardener: "Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burying your dog."

Lord: "My dog died?!"

Gardener: "Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down."

Lord: "My mansion?! How?!"

Gardener: "Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains."

Lord: "Why was she so distraught?"

Gardener: "She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped."

Lord: "My daughter! Don't you have any positive news for me?!"

Gardener: "Oh right! Your cancer test results!"

A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.