Woman

Person

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

Die

Anonymous

My aunt’s star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died. – She was eaten by a giant crab.

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Grandma

doowop

I had recently found out that my grandma died. We did an autopsy and the results came back. They were pretty shocking.

We found out that she died… from an autopsy

Puns

Anonymous

Wanna hear a terrible Joke?

Paper

Pretty tear-able, huh?

Puns

Anonymous

My friend gave me sugar for my birthday, she thought it was cheap I thought it was pretty sweet

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Girlfriend

❤️ Tara ❤️

Girlfriend: am I pretty or ugly?

Boyfriend: your both!

Girlfriend: what do you mean by that?

Boyfriend: your pretty ugly!!!

Wife

Anonymous

Once there were twins, Mark and Michael, Mark was the owner of a old boat. It so happened that Michael’s wife died the same day that Mark’s boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Mark and mistook him for Michael. She said, "I’m sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible. "Mark, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, “Heck no. In fact, I’m sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water; she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn’t very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle!” The old lady fainted. 🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

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Light

Jeff

did you hear about the light bulb party— yeah it was pretty lit!

Jesus

IAmDaemon

Crucifixion - only one guy who nailed it… at least Jesus didn’t get screwed over, but I bet he was pretty cross about being forced to hang around.

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Difference

Stripper Jokes

Q: What is the difference between a stripper and a bungee cord?

A: It is cheap fast, and if the rubber breaks, your pretty much screwed.

Darkness

Anonymous

I went on a walk with a super pretty girl, then she saw me and it turned into a run.

Orphan

Anonymous

(I want to apologize in advance. These are very dark jokes)

  1. What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick

  2. I was going to tell a dead baby joke. But I decided to abort.

  3. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? His wife is dead.

4.Why does Helen Keller hate porcupines? They’re painful to look at.

  1. Why can’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is.

  2. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

  3. I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

  4. My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

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Puns

Your Mom

I heard a pretty juicy rumor about butter. But i decited i didn’t want to spread it

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Puns

Anonymous

I heard a joke about heavy metal earlier. It was pretty ironic.

Girl

ak47

if u tell a girl there pretty they wont believe u if u tell them their ugly their never forget it…

elephants never forget.

Woman

Mr. Dark Joke

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.

The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked away with her cardboard box.

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Girl

James Bray

Dad. Son who do you want to marry when you grow up? Son. A ugly girl. Dad. Why not a pretty girl? Son. A pretty one might run away. Dad. So and ugly one might to. Son. Yeah but who cares.

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Doctor

Wickerlynn

Pinocchio goes to the doctor for a checkup. When he gets there the doctor asks him “Do you have cancer?” Pinocchio replies, “That was very straight up, but, no I’m pretty sure I don’t have cancer.” After saying this, his nose grew.

Gun

Up myanus

Me and my stepmom went into the forest.I think I hid the body pretty well but now I have to hide the gun.

Puns

LoekNabb

The irony of metal jokes is pretty fun. But it lead to a lot of people steeling them.