Pregnancy jokes

My gf told me she was pregnant, so I punched her in the stomach.

She asked me why the hell I did that. I told her I wanted to let her know I’m pro abortion.

What does a freshly pregnant teen and her baby share?

They both think, "Mom's probably going to kill me."

What's red and blue and runs up your leg?

A homesick miscarriage.

My wife cheated on me with my brother.

She didn't have a sister, so I improvised, and now all I have to do is wait nine months for one to come.

I got in big trouble the other day, though it was pretty unfair. Babies kick pregnant women all the time, and yet I got arrested anyways.

Abortions = yeetis of the fetus.

When your girlfriend has an abortion, it's kinda like dodging your own bullets.

Abortion is a really touchy subject for me. On one hand, there's dead babies! But on the other hand, women get a choice.

Mom said dad had the best pullout game... now I'm an uncle.

Yo mama's so dumb, she waited until the stop sign turned blue.

Yo mama's so fat, when she got pregnant, she fell to the earth's core.

In Boston we say,

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high, unzipped his fly and said ‘Hey Jill, you wanna?’ Jill said yes, unzipped her dress, and then they had a ‘daughta’" 🤣

So, one day I was walking home from school with my best friend, Sally. She was worried to get home because she was going to tell her mom that Bob, the class rep, got her pregnant eight months ago, and now it was obvious she was pregnant. So I said, “Sally, it’ll be okay, I’m sure she’ll be happy to get a grandson.” “Yeah, thanks, Suzy,” she said to me, then went into her house.

The next few weeks she didn’t show up to school, so I was like, oh, she must be in trouble with her mom. I’ll go check on her.

So I walk up to her house and her mom answers with a baby boy in her hands. “Oh, hello. Is that Sally’s son?!! Can I see Sally?” Her mom says sure, and I go inside, but she leads me to the backyard and I see a tombstone. “Here lies Sally 2004-2020.” So I ask her mom in tears, “Oh, did she not make it through the birth?” And her mom replied, “You could say that...”

Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."

Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night."

Kid 1: "As if."

Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."

Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."

Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

Your mom is pregnant and you're the father.

How do you get a hippie chick pregnant?

You cum on her feet and let the flies do the rest.

Alabama.

Every time there's a family reunion, a baby is born 9 months later.

Why would you make jokes about birth control?

It's a great labour-saving invention.

"Abortion: Another word for dying at spawn."

What's red, six inches long, and made my girlfriend cry when I fed it to her?

Her miscarriage.

What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb.