Pregnancy jokes
How did Mary get pregnant with baby Jesus?
God fucked her.
What's red and blue and runs up your leg?
A homesick miscarriage.
What is 6" long, bright red, and your wife cries when you feed it to her?
Her miscarriage.
When your girlfriend has an abortion, it's kinda like dodging your own bullets.
Mom said dad had the best pullout game... now I'm an uncle.
Yo, everyone! My sis is pregnant, and I’m gonna be a dad!
How do you get a hippie chick pregnant?
You cum on her feet and let the flies do the rest.
My wife cheated on me with my brother.
She didn't have a sister, so I improvised, and now all I have to do is wait nine months for one to come.
How do you get a hippy pregnant?
Cum on her feet and let the flies do the rest.
So, one day I was walking home from school with my best friend, Sally. She was worried to get home because she was going to tell her mom that Bob, the class rep, got her pregnant eight months ago, and now it was obvious she was pregnant. So I said, “Sally, it’ll be okay, I’m sure she’ll be happy to get a grandson.” “Yeah, thanks, Suzy,” she said to me, then went into her house.
The next few weeks she didn’t show up to school, so I was like, oh, she must be in trouble with her mom. I’ll go check on her.
So I walk up to her house and her mom answers with a baby boy in her hands. “Oh, hello. Is that Sally’s son?!! Can I see Sally?” Her mom says sure, and I go inside, but she leads me to the backyard and I see a tombstone. “Here lies Sally 2004-2020.” So I ask her mom in tears, “Oh, did she not make it through the birth?” And her mom replied, “You could say that...”
When a woman is something weeks or months pregnant and her stomach has a visible bump, everyone rubs her tummy, but no one tickles the husband's balls and says, "Good job, buddy!"
Abortion is a really touchy subject for me. On one hand, there's dead babies! But on the other hand, women get a choice.
When you find out your wife had a miscarriage,
So you start singing "It’s the best day ever!"
What does a freshly pregnant teen and her baby share?
They both think, "Mom's probably going to kill me."
In Boston we say,
"Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high, unzipped his fly and said ‘Hey Jill, you wanna?’ Jill said yes, unzipped her dress, and then they had a ‘daughta’" 🤣
Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll?
Ken came in a different box.
Your mom is pregnant and you're the father.
I needed a test on if I'm pregnant. Then the doc said, "Take your pants down." Then he put his penis in my vagina and said, "Now you are pregnant."
Q: What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
So.. err actually, don’t worry. I was gonna make a joke about dead babies, but I had to abort.