Pregnancy jokes
When you find out your wife had a miscarriage,
So you start singing "It’s the best day ever!"
What looks like peanut butter and jelly, and makes a woman scream?
Afterbirth.
When your girlfriend has an abortion, it's kinda like dodging your own bullets.
Mom said dad had the best pullout game... now I'm an uncle.
A husband came back from a business trip and found out that his wife was pregnant. At first, he got a bit suspicious, but then he just ignored it and hugged his wife with happiness. The second when he met his friend and told him the news, the friend just said, "Wait, what? I thought she was on pills!"
If a baby dies in the womb, is it considered suicide?
Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll?
Ken came in a different box.
What's red and blue and runs up your leg?
A homesick miscarriage.
What is 6" long, bright red, and your wife cries when you feed it to her?
Her miscarriage.
So, one day I was walking home from school with my best friend, Sally. She was worried to get home because she was going to tell her mom that Bob, the class rep, got her pregnant eight months ago, and now it was obvious she was pregnant. So I said, “Sally, it’ll be okay, I’m sure she’ll be happy to get a grandson.” “Yeah, thanks, Suzy,” she said to me, then went into her house.
The next few weeks she didn’t show up to school, so I was like, oh, she must be in trouble with her mom. I’ll go check on her.
So I walk up to her house and her mom answers with a baby boy in her hands. “Oh, hello. Is that Sally’s son?!! Can I see Sally?” Her mom says sure, and I go inside, but she leads me to the backyard and I see a tombstone. “Here lies Sally 2004-2020.” So I ask her mom in tears, “Oh, did she not make it through the birth?” And her mom replied, “You could say that...”
Yo, everyone! My sis is pregnant, and I’m gonna be a dad!
I needed a test on if I'm pregnant. Then the doc said, "Take your pants down." Then he put his penis in my vagina and said, "Now you are pregnant."
How did Mary get pregnant with baby Jesus?
God fucked her.
Abortion is a really touchy subject for me. On one hand, there's dead babies! But on the other hand, women get a choice.
When a woman is something weeks or months pregnant and her stomach has a visible bump, everyone rubs her tummy, but no one tickles the husband's balls and says, "Good job, buddy!"
My wife cheated on me with my brother.
She didn't have a sister, so I improvised, and now all I have to do is wait nine months for one to come.
What do you call a woman who aborted her quadruplets? A graveyard.
Burger King got Dairy Queen pregnant during sex, cause he forgot to wrap his Whopper.
There were three babies in a mom's stomach. One baby asks, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" The other baby answers, "A doctor. I want to help people. What about you?"
"I want to be an engineer. I want to make things. What about you?" he asks to the third baby.
"I want to be a hunter."
"Why?" the other babies ask.
"I want to kill the snake that spits on my face."
Your mom is pregnant and you're the father.