Pregnancy jokes
Jack and Jill went up a hill. His condom ripped, and now they are from Alabama.
I congratulated my friend on losing all that baby weight. She started crying and told me I should make them for miscarriage like that......
Why didn't the wife want sex?
Because they were having too many babies.
When my dad left, he said he would bring back the milk, but 20 years later he only came with my new sister and eggs. And I confronted him, and he said, "I used all the milk to make your sister."
What's similar between a pregnant 14 y/o girl and the foetus inside of her?
They both are thinking "My mom's gonna kill me!"
A 17 year old pregnant Juanita flew all the way to NY from TX to get an abortion. Initially, she was denied the procedure because she wasn't COVID boosted, but after she explained the father was religious and wanted to be involved, they quickly resolved the threat.
A lady sees a doctor about a tummy ache. After her check up, the Doctor said, “Looks like you’ll be needing nappies in about 9 months time.”
The lady asks, “Am I pregnant?” To which the Doctor replied, “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
What's 6ft long, red, and my girlfriend cries when I feed it to her?
A miscarriage.
How do get a nun pregnant? Fuck her!
My girlfriend's pregnant. I'm 13. She was raped.
Once Jimmy was minding his own business, then he hears his mom come home. He asked, "Where have you been?" She replied with, "I was at work," yet he knew his mom did not have work. So the next day, while heading to school, he gets a phone call saying his mom is pregnant, and they want to try their device, and they need the baby's dad to say if it's alright.
I was gonna tell a baby joke, but I had to abort.
Do you know how babies are made? The boy puts his penis in the girl's butt and goes up and down for ten minutes. Then the girl takes a pregnancy test, and if it says no, then you keep doing it until she is pregnant.
The boy will lick the girl down there, and she will put his penis in her mouth and suck it. Then he will spit on his hand and rub it on her boobs and lick/suck them.
A heavily pregnant woman is in an accident and gives birth to twins while comatose. Upon awakening some days later, the doctors tell her that her brother Tom filled out the birth certificates while she was out.
"Oh no, Tom's an idiot, what did he name my daughter?" she asked the nurse.
"Denise."
"That's not a bad name. And what did he name the boy?"
"Tom Junior."
What does a burnt pizza, cold beer, and a pregnant woman have in common?
Someone didn’t pull it out in time.
Mama Mia's pizzeria and abortion clinic. Your loss is our sauce.
What's red and runs up your leg?
A homesick abortion.
Why did the goat have an abortion?
Because she already had too many kids!
If you wait for a woman to get 9 months pregnant and kill her, you will never be able to stop the loop.
My sister is pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad.
Yeah, you can call me daddy, son.