Pregnancy jokes
What is the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
Hondo's dad and mum went up the hill to do it in the water.
Jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a Hondo.
What do a 14 year old and the fetus inside her both think?
"Man, my mom's going to kill me!"
What do an abortion and a baby have in common?
The mom doesn't want either of them.
My sister is pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad.
Yeah, you can call me daddy, son.
when you get back from summer break and your teacher is pregnant
What's 6ft long, red, and my girlfriend cries when I feed it to her?
A miscarriage.
Did you hear about the unborn fetus? Oh wait, never mind, it must have been aborted from the sight.
My father is like Houdini. When he heard his girlfriend was pregnant, he disappeared.
Jon said: What do you call a pregnant woman?
Mike said: I don’t know, what?
Jon said: Kinder surprise.
What is round and squishy? A dead baby's head.
What's similar between a pregnant 14 y/o girl and the foetus inside of her?
They both are thinking "My mom's gonna kill me!"
Q. What do you call a baby born six months early?
A. A miscarriage.
Pregnant teen: I'm pregnant, my mum's gonna kill me.
Unborn baby: My mum's gonna kill me.
How did Mary get pregnant with baby Jesus?
God fucked her.
A heavily pregnant woman is in an accident and gives birth to twins while comatose. Upon awakening some days later, the doctors tell her that her brother Tom filled out the birth certificates while she was out.
"Oh no, Tom's an idiot, what did he name my daughter?" she asked the nurse.
"Denise."
"That's not a bad name. And what did he name the boy?"
"Tom Junior."
I have a better method of abortion than currently used. It's like a regular one, except you can get free food out of it... We're about to give baby-back ribs a whole new meaning.
Miscarriage jokes aren't funny, just cut it out.
A woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging, “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says, “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.
A blonde, redhead, and brunette are all sitting in a hospital's waiting room for ultrasounds.
After a while, the brunette giggles while rubbing her belly. Both the blonde and redhead look over at her and ask, "What's with the giggling?"
The brunette replies, "I'm having a boy!"
The blonde and the redhead ask, "How do you know?"
"Because he was on top!" The brunette replies again.
The three go back to conversing, and then the redhead starts to giggle while rubbing her belly.
"What's with the giggling?" The blonde and brunette ask.
"I'm having a girl!" The redhead replies.
"Well, how do you know?" The blonde and brunette ask again.
"I was on top!"
All of a sudden, the blonde bursts into tears.
"Oh, honey! What's wrong?" The redhead and brunette ask.
"I'm having puppies!"
Mama Mia's pizzeria and abortion clinic. Your loss is our sauce.