Pregnancy jokes
How do you know if a Black woman is pregnant?
Stick a chicken wing up there.
Your mom is so slow, it took her 9 months to make a joke.
I got in big trouble the other day, though it was pretty unfair. Babies kick pregnant women all the time, and yet I got arrested anyways.
A woman just went through labor. She asked the doctor, "Was it a healthy delivery?" The doctor replies, "It wasn't delivery, it's DiGiorno."
Mom said dad had the best pullout game... now I'm an uncle.
When your girlfriend has an abortion, it's kinda like dodging your own bullets.
My mother was so sad after my grandpa's death, she went into the bathroom with my uncle, and I could hear their moans of sorrow. She then surprised me later on, saying that she was pregnant.
Welcome to the abortion clinic. You make 'em, we scrape 'em. No fetus can beat us.
How do you know if a black lady’s pregnant?
You put a banana up her vagina and see if any little monkeys come and get it.
One day, Billy's teacher asked him, "I heard your mom had a baby. What did she have?"
Billy paused and thought for a moment and said, "I think she had a bicycle."
"Now Billy, you know that your mom didn't have a bicycle. What did she have?"
"Maybe it was a tricycle."
"Billy, don't stand there and lie to me. We're going to the principal's office right now!"
The teacher grabbed Billy and escorted him to the principal's office and explained what happened. The principal looked sternly at Billy and said, "Stop lying, Billy. You know your mom didn't have a bicycle or a tricycle. What did your mother have?"
Billy looked up, fear in his eyes and said, "Well, maybe she had a go-cart."
That was more than enough. "I'm calling your mother right now!"
Soon, Billy's mother arrived at the principal's office. "It seems that Billy has decided to start telling lies. His teacher asked him what you recently had, and he said a bicycle, then a tricycle, then a go-cart!"
Billy's mother teared up, and through her sobs, replied to the principal and teacher, "No. Sadly, I had a miscarriage."
Billy sat up straight and said, "I KNEW that damn thing had wheels!"
How do you flatten curves?
With an abortion.
You're so ugly your mom said, "I want an abortion."
How do you get a slag from Dundee pregnant?
Spunk in the gutter and let the flies do the work...
What’s the difference between a fetus and a jar of pickles?
The pickles aren’t as tasty in a jar.
A miscarriage always brings the child out in me.
Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant: their legs.
The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged and dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.
The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped, and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels,” he said. "Impressive," said the manager.
The man is given another. “Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the Northeast slope, stored in steel vats.”
The manager was amazed. He winked at his secretary. The secretary understood and brought out a glass of urine. The drunkard tasted it and said, “It's a blond, 27 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get this job, I'll tell who the father is!”
Don’t have sex. Because you will get pregnant. And die.
What is an example of poor management? A prostitute getting pregnant.
What do you call a cow that's had an abortion?
De-calf-inated.