Pregnancy jokes
My dog is pregnant. I'm gonna be a... I don't know?
Ohhh, an owner.
What do a 14 year old and the fetus inside her both think?
"Man, my mom's going to kill me!"
All jokes are funny with the correct delivery. Except for abortion jokes, there is no delivery.
A woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging, “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says, “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.
What’s another name for a woman giving birth?
Unloading the dishwasher.
Hondo's dad and mum went up the hill to do it in the water.
Jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a Hondo.
What is round and squishy? A dead baby's head.
I said to my pregnant wife, "Push, darling, come on, push harder, dear!" No, she wasn't giving birth; the bloody car would not start.
I'm torn on the issue of abortion. I'm pro-abortion because it kills babies, but I'm against abortion because it gives women a choice.
If you wait for a woman to get 9 months pregnant and kill her, you will never be able to stop the loop.
You're so skinny, you swallowed a meatball and thought you were pregnant!
If a pregnant lady murders someone, does the child get an assist?
What do you call a pregnant slave? Buy one get one free.
Jack and Jill Went up the hill to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill. And now there's little Franky.
I don't like condoms, but I like gay pregnant X.
A 17 year old pregnant Juanita flew all the way to NY from TX to get an abortion. Initially, she was denied the procedure because she wasn't COVID boosted, but after she explained the father was religious and wanted to be involved, they quickly resolved the threat.
Just before lockdown began, a woman took her 15-year-old son, Tom, and 14, 16, and 18-year-old daughters Sally, Mary, and Annie and went to the family cabin in the mountains to wait it out, while her husband stayed in town as an essential worker.
The weekly family Zoom call went well enough...until the 8th week when the father noticed the 14-year-old was looking a little...plump. By the 20th week, the 16-year-old's shirt was starting to pull taut over her tummy, by the 25th the curve of the 18-year-old's belly was rising over the edge of the table her laptop was perched on, and by the 30th week his wife and all 3 girls were very obviously 6 months pregnant, and the poor 14-year-old was so huge she was obviously having triplets.
So the father waited until he'd talked to his wife and daughters, and then asked if he could talk to his son alone.
"Look, I know your mom and the girls are all pregnant. I'm not mad, I just want to know how it happened. We don't have any neighbors up at the cabin, did you break quarantine and invite some hikers in, or go into town for supplies?"
"No, Pop, we haven't seen anyone since we left the city," his son told him earnestly. "And we sure haven't gone into town for supplies, I ran out of condoms on the second day here!"
What's red, 6 inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry when I feed it to her?
Her miscarriage.
Do you know why most men are impressive cooks?
Because with two eggs and a sausage, they can keep women full for 9 months.
Why couldn’t the dwarf husband make his wife pregnant?
Because of his short cummings.