Pregnancy jokes
The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged and dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.
The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped, and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels,” he said. "Impressive," said the manager.
The man is given another. “Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the Northeast slope, stored in steel vats.”
The manager was amazed. He winked at his secretary. The secretary understood and brought out a glass of urine. The drunkard tasted it and said, “It's a blond, 27 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get this job, I'll tell who the father is!”
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"
"Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."
What do you do to a pregnant lady on a step?
Push 'em.
What do you call a cow that's had an abortion?
De-calf-inated.
Men play video games to let their inner child out, while women do abortions.
What starts with “M” and ends with “arriage”?
Miscarriage.
How do you get a slag from Dundee pregnant?
Spunk in the gutter and let the flies do the work...
So, this woman had a job. She wanted to hang out with her boyfriend, so she lied about having the coronavirus. Then she got out of work. Then she was texting her boss when she thought she was texting her boyfriend. Then she said, "I lied. Now we can...you know...water...sigh...lick...sigh." Then her boss texted, "Ew and YOU'RE FIRED."
One more story: One day this teen named Alexis got kicked out of a house, then went to live with her boyfriend. Then she got pregnant and posted it all on social media.
You're so ugly your mom said, "I want an abortion."
What’s pink, nine inches, and makes my wife cry when I shove it down her throat?
Her Miscarriage.
Why can't you ever fool an aborted baby?
Because it wasn't born yesterday!
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and grabbed Jill’s thigh and said, “You know you wanna.” Jill said yes and pulled up her dress, and then they had some fun, but silly Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.
What’s the difference between a fetus and a jar of pickles?
The pickles aren’t as tasty in a jar.
How did the Mexican girl get pregnant? Her teacher told her to do his essay.
Jakob's life.
What's red and blue and runs up your leg?
A homesick miscarriage.
So, one day I was walking home from school with my best friend, Sally. She was worried to get home because she was going to tell her mom that Bob, the class rep, got her pregnant eight months ago, and now it was obvious she was pregnant. So I said, “Sally, it’ll be okay, I’m sure she’ll be happy to get a grandson.” “Yeah, thanks, Suzy,” she said to me, then went into her house.
The next few weeks she didn’t show up to school, so I was like, oh, she must be in trouble with her mom. I’ll go check on her.
So I walk up to her house and her mom answers with a baby boy in her hands. “Oh, hello. Is that Sally’s son?!! Can I see Sally?” Her mom says sure, and I go inside, but she leads me to the backyard and I see a tombstone. “Here lies Sally 2004-2020.” So I ask her mom in tears, “Oh, did she not make it through the birth?” And her mom replied, “You could say that...”
What is the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
What's better than throwing up a stillborn?
Making your wife eat it again.
What did Lucy say when she saw her sonogram?
"Looks like a rerun."