Pregnancy jokes
What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
Q. What do you call a baby born six months early?
A. A miscarriage.
Ok, so let me tell y'all the lore. Basically, what happened was there's these mfs called Rhys and a guy named Mobrur. Mobrur is a fish basically from Bangladesh and Israel, so he's just a fish because he's Netanyahu's cousin, and Liam is from Australia; he's just a white piece of crap.
Basically, what happened was they knocked up each other because they were drunk and jumping on Netanyahu's beer belly, and it was all just a mess. Rhys is trying to get child support and half property from Fish, but he won't give it because he is nasty and claiming what isn't his, and he said, "No one likes you." So to summarize it, he killed him and is in jail now.
And there he met Mooha and he turned straight, Alhamdulillah! EVERYONE SAY ALHAMDULILLAH! He became straight, then Mooha got knocked up in prison and the guards beat them and they died.
What’s another name for a woman giving birth?
Unloading the dishwasher.
Some sperm arrive in the uterus and see that the egg is already fertilized. They complain that they lost the race and have nothing to do but die.
One speaks up and says he isn't angry, and the others ask why.
"He thought he was going to be alive," the sperm says. "This chick works at an abortion clinic."
Why would you make jokes about birth control?
It's a great labour-saving invention.
3 boys were having a debate about who had the healthiest grandma.
Boy 1: "I have the healthiest grandma. She is 67 years old and can still do a backflip!"
Boy 2: "No, I have the healthiest grandma. She is 76 years old and can still finish a marathon!"
Boy 3: "I have the healthiest grandma. She is 85 and she is in the hospital..."
Boy 1 and 2, looking confused.
Boy 1: "If she's so healthy, why is she in the hospital?"
Boy 3: "Because she's giving birth right now!"
Do you know why most men are impressive cooks?
Because with two eggs and a sausage, they can keep women full for 9 months.
What’s something you can say during a pregnancy test and during a sporting event?
"We’ve got a runner!"
What’s the best part about having sex with a pregnant woman?
You can have sex and a blow job at the same time.
When a woman is something weeks or months pregnant and her stomach has a visible bump, everyone rubs her tummy, but no one tickles the husband's balls and says, "Good job, buddy!"
If a pregnant emo kills herself, is it murder-suicide?
How do you flatten curves?
With an abortion.
The president of the USA is so damn stupid. His mother must have taken Tylenol while she was pregnant with him, or something.
I regret my abortion.
I didn’t know child labor was an option.
If a pregnant emo kills herself, is that murder-suicide or just abortion?
Q. What's the difference between an abortion clinic and a nursery? A. The abortion clinic won't let you take the baby home.
My Son: "Mummy, why is my name Thomas?"
Me: "Because the night you were conceived, I had a train run on me."
What is an example of poor management? A prostitute getting pregnant.
What does a burnt pizza, cold beer, and a pregnant woman have in common?
Someone didn’t pull it out in time.