Police jokes

Someone stole my grass today. I went to the police, and they said: "What's wrong?" I said, "How could you tell something was wrong?" They replied, "You were looking forlorn."

Q: Why did the cat get arrested?

A: He was caught littering.

I don't like consistency. Last night, I spent three hours looking at a room and thinking, "I need a flower pot here, and the couch should be on the right." Eventually, the police arrived and led me away from my neighbor's window.

"You are under arrest for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia!"

"Wait! I can explain everything!"

How many white police officers does it take to push an African-American gentleman down the stairs?

Push?! He fell...

A policeman found a dead body of a man on the street. He thought he recognized the body and the 2 friends he usually hung out with, so he called in one of the friends.

The friend looked into the dead body's face and said, "Yep, that's definitely Joe," but then, to be absolutely sure, he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants, and said, "Oh no, wait, that's not Joe." The policeman called in the 2nd friend. The 2nd friend looked into the dead body's face and said, "Yep, that's definitely Joe," but then, to be absolutely sure, he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants, and said, "Oh no, wait, that's not Joe." Confused, the policeman asked, "How is it that when you look into his face you're sure he is your friend, but when you look at his ass you're sure he is not?"

The 1st friend said, "Well, you see, Joe has 2 assholes." "Are you serious?" the policeman asked. "Oh yes," he replied, "we've never actually seen them, but when the 3 of us hang out together people point and say, 'Hey, there's Joe with those 2 assholes.'"

A lady runs into a police station and yells, "Help, help! I've been graped!"

A police officer says, "Do you mean raped?"

The girl then replies, "No, there was a bunch of 'em!"

What’s a homo police dog?

A gay-9.

What was the name of Russia's first female traffic cop?

Ivana Pulyova.

A depressed man was caught on top of the Empire State Building with marijuana. Needless to say, he didn't want to come down.

What did the woman do when the armed police officer raped her?

Freeze.

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are running from the police. They come across an old shack with three burlap sacks. They each hop into one of them. The police come and kick the one with the brunette in it. She goes, "Mew, mew." The police say, "Oh, it's just a bag of kittens." Then they kick the one with the redhead. "Woof, woof." They think, "Oh, it's just a bag of puppies." Then they kick the one with the blonde in it. She goes, "POTATOES!!" And gets arrested.

A man needs to leave for a lengthy business trip, but his wife is saddened by this. She explains to him that if he isn’t home every night, there will be no way to satisfy herself if she feels horny. The man claims that she doesn’t need sex, because a dildo should work just fine.

He quickly runs to the local gift shop and asks the cashier if the store carries anything really special. The cashier quietly pulls out an old box and removes a wooden penis from inside. The cashier states that the dildo has been passed down in his family for generations and was crafted by a witch deep within the Amazon jungle. The cashier sits up in his chair and shouts, “Voodoo Dick, the door!”

The wooden penis flies across the room and begins to rapidly thrust itself in and out of the front door keyhole. “Voodoo Dick, the lamp!” The wooden penis flies up inside of the lamp on the cashier’s desk and, once again, begins to thrust in and out. “Voodoo Dick, return to your box!” The wooden penis flies back into the box, and the cashier closes the lid.

The man chooses to buy the wooden penis, and just as he is about to leave, the cashier tells him a very important bit of information regarding the Voodoo Dick: “The cursed dildo can only be controlled through verbal commands, it is far too powerful to be moved by hand,” says the cashier. “You must never forget that!”

The man nods and heads home.

Later that day, the man explains to his wife how the sex toy works, and then leaves for his trip.

A few days later, the wife becomes very horny and opens up the box. She proceeds to shout, “Voodoo Dick, my pussy!” The dildo zooms into her vagina and pleasures her for roughly 6-8 hours. She soon begins to grow tired and attempts to pull the dildo out of her. She pulls as hard as she can but just can’t get it out. The wife panics and begins driving to the hospital with the wooden penis still inside of her vagina. A police officer pulls her over for speeding and asks to see some identification. The wife exclaims, “Help, help, there is a Voodoo Dick inside of my vagina and it won’t come out!”

The officer raises an eyebrow in disbelief.

“Voodoo Dick my ass, bitch.”

There are two Mexicans in a car. Who's driving?

A cop.

Officer, I drop-kicked that child in self-defense!

You gotta believe me!

I was walking down the streets of Manchester when suddenly I saw Penaldo getting arrested! I heard the officer say, “This time I give you warning, there will be no penalty.”

That’s when Penaldo asked, “No penalty?!” and punched the police officer.

Shame on you Penaldo!

Are you George Floyd?

Cause you take my breath away! 😮‍💨

Why was the Human Torch arrested?

He had firearms.

I was walking down the street and I punched a white guy, then I was arrested for assault. The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.

What happened to the frog that parked illegally?

He was toad away.

Get it?