Police jokes

How would Stephen Hawking get rid of the police?

Go to the junkyard.

How many police officers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two: one to change the lightbulb, and the other to open fire while the room is dark.

America's police phone number is 911 because that is the day they lost everything.

What's the difference between taking a shit and the Ottawa police force?

Usually taking a shit only requires one ass wipe!

Why do police never put an orphan in prison? It's too much like a home.

What did one detective say to the other detective?

"Disguise is lookin' suspicious."

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Please.

Please who?

Police, can you stop talking so we can get to the end of the joke.

Lol.

Police: Hey man, look at this! *throws cocaine at fan and it flew back into his face* Me: Are you okay? Police: Looks like I "crack"ed the case.

When the police caught him stealing batteries, he was immediately charged.

The cops are accusing him of resisting. He's now languishing in a cell, where he is currently awaiting an appearance in Circuit Court.

How many police officers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They wait for it to turn itself in.

According to the Police report, what did one traffic signal say to the other?

"Roxanne, you don't have to put on the red light..."

So you wanna play like that, ayy? Well, Sydney didn't wanna play like that either, and that's why you got arrested.

Why did the cops come over?

Because parents had kids in their basement.

I'm Black, when a cop sees me, he shoots.

What happened to the police that crossed the road?

They solved a murder involving the nut case.

What is the Mexican police number?

9 Juan Juan.

What did the officer tell the lioness after she said she was a dog?

Oooooooooh girl, you lion!

Teacher: We have a new student today class, come introduce yourself.

Student: My name is Buttitches.

Teacher: Please tell us your real name.

Student: Buttitches.

Teacher: I’m calling the police.

Police: Son, please tell me your real name or I’m going to shoot you.

Student: Buttitches.

Police: *shoots gun.*

A few days later, the police go to the funeral and sits behind the mom. While crying, the mom says, "My Buttitches!" The police say, "We’ll scratch it, lady."

My daughter came home from school later than usual. I was panicking, then at 5:30 p.m. she arrived, not walking but in a bus 🚌. I asked, "Where the hell did this bus come from?" She said, "The garage in the alleyway, Mama. I bought it for five gummies and eight buttons. You like her? She is called Belle Bus." My face was just: 😑 How did you get the bus here? She replies with a whisper, "I drove her through five gardens, a house, and two police cars!" 🙃 So that explains why you have handcuffs on. "Yeah!"

What's the difference between an American police man and a Christian?

At least a Christian kneels in church.