Police jokes

A 28 year old woman, Olga, in Meshchovsk, Russia took justice into her own hands when a 32 year old male robber, Viktor, decided to rob her salon. She tied him, feeding him only Viagra, having sex with him over and over. After a few days, she released him after he stated he learned his lesson and wouldn't go to the police. He lied and went to the police anyways. Both were arrested.

After his sentence was over, Viktor sat down to speak to the local news. The reporter asked Viktor, "How was this whole ordeal?" Viktor replied, "I've had better."

Somebody called the cops for a school shooting, what a snitch!

What's black and white and red all over?

A police brutality case.

"Yes, officer! It was a requirement to run over that child. It matched perfectly with the beat drop!"

Why did the cop show up early to the protest? To beat the crowd.

So I told the officer, "I can't even walk when I'm sober."

A police officer came up to me and said, "Just why, why would you bring the epileptic children to a laser tag fight?"

Cop: "I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia."

Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"

A white woman was caught on video using racial slurs and assaulting two black students. She was charged with "interpreting" a black police officer.

Kid: *runs down the street* HELP ME!

Officer: You OK, kid?

Me: Don't worry! He's my nephew, there was a big spider.

Officer: Oh, OK, ma'am. *walks off*

When officer leaves:

Me: *gets whip* What did I say about leaving the basement?

What happens when a battery commits a crime? They get charged!

Man 1: Hey, I heard you survived a school shooting. What was it like?

Man 2: People were screaming and running everywhere. I was only able to get a few of them.

Why did the orphan play GTA? So he could get wanted.

What do orphans and police not have in common?

The police can actually go home.

What's the difference between a pig and a police officer?

The pig smells better.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.

Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you? But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.

My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

Two priests are driving down a road when they are pulled over by the cops.

The cop shines a light in their faces and signals to the driver to roll down his window.

"We're searching for two child molesters," he says.

The driver leans over to the other priest, and they whisper between themselves.

Finally, he turns back to the policeman. "Ok. We'll do it."

A cop pulls a man over and finds out he's drunk. So he asks for license and registration, and the drunk man says, "Can I see your flashlight?"

The cop says, "Just give me your license and registration." So drunk guy says, "Not until you give me your flashlight."

The cop said, "For what?" and the drunk guy says, "So I can shine it in your face and see what an asshole looks like."

My uncle is a computer genius! The police even called him a PDF file!

Why did the orphan commit a bank robbery?

So he could be wanted.