Plant jokes
Why did the emo kid hate the tree?
It left him hanging.
If my cat were a cactus, doesn't that make him the catus?
Why aren't emos and trees friends? Because the tree leaves them hanging.
Here's a good tree joke to spruce up your day!
My girlfriend said onions were the only foods that make you cry.
Until I threw a watermelon in her face.
Are you a lollipop? Because I can suck on you all day.
Are you an Oreo? Because I eat the cream first.
Are you a microwave? Because I’m trying to keep you quiet at 3:00 am.
Are you a sprinkler? Cause every time I see you I get wet.
Are you makeup? Cause I’d spend hours doing you.
Are you a guitar? Because I’d love to hear the noises you make when I play with you.
Are you an elevator? Cause I wanna ride you up and down.
Most restaurants are closed at night, but your legs aren’t.
I’m not a cashier, but you got a couple of things I wanna check out.
Are you Cinderella? Because I can see that dress coming off at midnight.
Are you a calendar? Because I want to pin you against the wall.
I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately, but I hope it’s you.
Are you a doughnut? Cause I wanna fill you with cream.
Are you a garden? Cause I want to plant some seeds inside of you.
Do you sing in the shower? Because if so, I need a private ticket of your concert.
Are your legs the twin towers? Because I’ll bomb what’s in between.
Are you a blanket? Because you’re on top of me every night.
Are you a phone? Cause I like to be on you 24/7.
Are you a roller coaster? Because the faster you go, the louder I scream.
I’m so jealous of your heart right now because it’s pounding inside of you and I’m not.
Are you a popsicle? Cause all I want to do is lick you up and down.
Are you a construction worker? Because you got me all bricked up.
Are you a fireman? Because you came in hot and left me wet.
How did the security guard at the orchid get better at his job? He got an Apple Watch.
What happens when a depressed kid tries to give a tree a high five?
The tree leaves him hanging :)
A suicidal boy went up to a tree and said "hi".
The tree never responded; it left him hanging.
Vegetarian: I prefer plants.
Herbivore: I just like food.
Cannibal: I'm a people person.
What's the most illegal activity in Africa?
Watering the plants.
I like plants, but then I decided to turn over a new leaf and branch out.
What is a room you can not enter?
A mushroom.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with their heads cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
Why shouldn't you tell a secret in a corn field?
Because they are full of ears!
Now that was a corny joke.
And yes, it was rather a-maize-ing.
"Popcorn" means "Photo-Oxidant formation by Plant-emitted Compounds and OH Radicals in Northeastern Germany."
"HO" means a woman, in particular one who has many casual sexual encounters or relationships. So basically, popcorn is a woman in plant based sex encountered a lot in a nazi camp.
A friend asked what an acorn is.
I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
What are the similarities between an orphan and a newborn plant?
Both their parents were separated.
How can you find out how old a cabbage is?
By looking at its cabbAGE.
What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A piece of ass that makes your eyes water.