Performance jokes

There was a magician on board the Titanic and said that he could make anything disappear.

Once the ship had gone down one of the passengers said to him, "Go on, so what did you do with the ship then?"

What do you call a heterosexual man performing fellatio on another heterosexual man?

Bisexual.

🤔 ❓ How do lesbians 😳 practice safe 🙏 sex they put condoms on dildos and then they put dildos inside of their 👄 👄 👄 mouths and then they perform fellatio on them

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his driver (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

“I have an idea, boss,” his driver said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”

When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the driver's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The driver gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the driver fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my driver, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”

Why did the moth nibble a hole in the carpet?

He wanted to see a floor show.

Why do priests perform baptisms? So they can see children wet.

It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

What is harder than steel?

Michael Jackson on a primary school oval. 😂

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "uno, dos..." *poof* ... He disappeared without a tres.

Singing in the shower is fun, until you get soap in your mouth.

Then it's a soap opera.

I went to a stand up show with the person who made my life a joke.

So I painted my laptop black, hoping it would run faster... Now it doesn't work.

What do you call a dog that can do magic?

A Labracadabrador.

Did you hear about the gay choirboy?

He choked on his first hymn.

This bitch got mad at me because I couldn’t last four strokes. What the fuck are you mad at me for? My grandpa didn’t even survive one.

There was once a Spanish magician. He said, "Uno, dos..." and he disappeared without a tres.

What’s the name of the band in the gay bar?

A: Beers for Queers.

What do you call a magician who has lost their magic?

Ian.

ROBERT LEWANDISNEY SONG

Give me freedom. Give me fire. Give me contract, Or I retire.

Jog all day, Out of UCL now. FC Barcelona, I need you now.

Villarreal defenders, They surround me. Big submarines, All around me.

I get upset. Call my agent. I want money. I’m impatient.

Employer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: No, but I do a pretty good "Bohemian Rhapsody."