Performance jokes
How do clarinet players play a song?
They reed their music.
"You raise me up to stand on mountains," said the dwarf pornstar on my penis.
I used to be in a special needs class, and the teacher sent a student (if you want to call them that) out to the hall for being late.
I asked her, "Why did you send James out to the hall?"
She said, "She was a little tardy."
I asked her, "I thought they all were."
A man goes to the doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world.
Doctor says: "Treatment is simple. The great clown - Pagliacci - is in town. Go see him. That should pick you up."
Man bursts into tears, says "But doctor... I am Pagliacci."
Why was the rapper bad at basketball?
He could only dribble rhymes.
Why don’t rappers play hide and seek?
Because good luck finding someone who’s always in the booth!
My grades.
What comedy skill can’t any cripple master?
Stand up.
Singing in the shower is fun, until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it's a soap opera.
Joaquin Phoenix as The Joker is like Heath Ledger if he overdosed on prescription drugs... Oh, wait. He already did.
How does a prostitute that has blond hair and polish and a gay white male kill erectile dysfunction for his clients?
He performs fellatio on them.
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "uno, dos..." *poof* ... He disappeared without a tres.
He wasn't that bad.
Two magicians were in a competition. The first one did magic, and the second started counting down, "3, 2," but before he said the last number, he 1.
What is the difference between gross and kinky according to a Canadian?
Using a toothpick to remove human feces between your teeth after licking another person's ass is gross, but performing a blowjob on a man who is well-endowed while he is eating a tuna fish sandwich, with maple syrup instead of mayonnaise, is kinky.
Why did the Italian American Roman Catholic priest perform fellatio on gay men at the glory hole inside the adult bookstore?
Someone asked him what would he do for a Klondike Bar?
Number 1 ventriloquist dies at age 76, will be mist.
Why did the actor fall through the floorboards?
They were going through a stage!
What's the difference between Lana Del Rey and Milli Vanilli?
Milli Vanilli won a Grammy.
Why did the rapper apologize to the sidewalk?
He didn’t mean to SPIT that hard.